Life's TRUE Journey

I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no ...

Hello my Peeps. Okay I promised and promised and promised and now I'm finally typing something. I don't know where this is going, but its going. ::::::::::: Job News::::::::::: Major news of course is the job. I have a job after 1 year 3 months. It's been fantastic. So many people, though, have asked where I work. They ask and I almost always lie. I'm not ashamed of my but I made the mistake of mixing my personal life with my work life (Which I think is the reason or a major reason why I lost my job in the first place. ) So, I set out on a mission. I will not let either of them intermingle. The work people know nothing about my friends family etc., and vice versa. Some say this is silly, but hey, it's how I choose to take control of my life. No longer will I play victim and put out fires. I'm fire proofing my whole life. I now know what it's like to be without a job and how things get. I've moved on from that and I never want to go back there again, so I...

Hello my friends, family, and fans. This is gonna be a bit of a ranting blog. So, if you have the balls to read it, do so without getting angry. For the last few months, I've been reading more blogs and comments than ever. I made a resolution to loose x number of pound by x day. Then another x by x day. So, silly me, for inspiration, I thought I would read some people who I consider(ed) friends who were okay in their fitness. Much to my surprise, many of them took the time that they could have used to encourage and push people to better themselves physically to belittle, berate, and chastise overweight people. Now, after reading months and months of this crap, I am prepared to make a statement.... First of all, to myself and all of my plus sized brothers, sisters, and sisthers. We were beautiful then, we are beautiful now, and we will be beautiful forever. I am not loosing weight so I can be like "them". Never will I have the classic definition of the "perfect" ...

Okay, cursor, enough with the blinking. I will type now!!!! Geez. Hello everyone. Welcome to my blog, and double welcome to my Annual Thank Yous. I'll start with a quick update. I'm sleeping better now. I had a chance to hear some stories of Mike and stories of Dannon that I hadn't ever heard. It was nice to reflect and to be around people who knew them a lot longer than I had. It's so nice to hear the impact people have on other's lives in such positive way. I find such comfort in that. I'm restarting this year. I was thinking how much I hated 2010. But then, I think on it in this way. it was the last year that I was able to spend with Mike and the only year I was able to know Dannon so I can't hate or dismiss it. It holds cherished memories and I will give it at least that respect. As I move on with the New Year, I won't forget the many many lessons I learned, and the friends that will not be traveling through 2011 with me in the physica...

Well, one could say that I have failed already at so much.... yet I am not of that thinking. Hello my friends. I know this should be my annual Thank Yous being posted, but I'm gonna delay that just a couple more weeks as I gather myself again. Why would I need to gather myself? Well, life happened. I would rather right now type about that than to post the Thank yous. It's my outlet. So, a few weeks ago, I was steadfast in going about my resolutions. I knew that it may be a bumpy road. The difference is that I am actually able to deal with the detours that life gives me rather than jumping out of the car on the side of the highway and crying. I will describe what happened in accordance to my resolutions. I will basically give the update on said resolutions which will explain why life just got side tracked. If you don't remember or never read my resolutions, they are at the bottom of this blog. So, we will start with #1. After reality set in after I had an ex...

Hey peeps. I just had my second night of restless tossing turning crying sleep. It gets better I know. I'm just so tore up about the death of my friends. I know it's what we all go through and that it's not going to go away overnight. I'm trying to deal though. New Years eve, I received even more bad news that my ex was in a car wreak. I just lost it. I called and he says everything is fine. Just the car is pretty much done for. After hanging up the phone with him, I wanted to head right over to my pain pill but I knew the headache that developed was not a physical thing. So, I said, I"I have to get the hell out of this house" . Luckily, I have an amazing support team (Dan and Jordan) who got me and my mother and we went to Indiana Live Casino for their new years eve celebration. I know I know, trading in my pain killer addiction for my gambling addiction. lol. Luckily, I don't really have a gambling addiction. I don't even gamble much. It was just nic...

As I take this time of reflection as many people do during this time of year, I think of how to do my annual Thank Yous. Because I set the rules that never will my thank yous have any hint of negativity, how am I to do it in a year filled with the most negativity I've experienced. I will be able to do my thank yous this year, because in the rough, it's easy to see diamonds. At least for me it is. Last year, I wasn't even able to do my thank yous due to the way the beginning of this year started. So, I've pledged to do them. I loosely made some resolutions that I did not keep at all. 2010 was one of the worst years on record for me. It was just horrible. It started horrible, got better during the middle, then ended horrible. So, after New Years, I will be posting my Thank Yous. I hope that those people who are tagged will read them because I don't say thank you enough to them. But, for now, I'm going to repost my thank yous from 2008. I think it's good not on...

When in heat.... blog. Current mood: animated Well, hello all my friends, fans, and stalkers. Welcome to another all new post of the greatest blog ever invented by a queer. (Eat me Perez!) LOL. Yes, I said it. Well, I don't think I'm as interesting as he is, but I think I can connect better. Anyways, I just wanted to give you all a little update on the happenings in Queerdom, Indiana. Specifically, the reigning leader of the Gays; Me. So, with all the troubling things that have happened in Indianapolis recently (Not only with me and the job loss, thelove lifedeath, and the pain of just getting by, but also with the officers killing people off, and the mayor and government of Indiana just sucking so bad with providing for it's citizens) I have been in contact with my ex who proposed something. He has a nice property down in Jacksonville, Florida and he will be out of town for few weeks, then in town for a few weeks so he really needs someone to house sit and help out with t...

Sorry, I didn't have a chance to proof read this blog, so forgive me if it's out of order or filled with mistakes. Well, it's been a while. I'm bringing my blog out of retirement. Yet. So, there's just a few things I would like to say. The Price of Pride: I can not conclude the previous blog as I wanted to (Wrapped up in a pretty neat bow, sealed with a kissy wissy). I've pretty much went thru so much that I don't even know how I wanted to concluded. So, I will speak as a present person. Some people have said to me " Tommy, don't you think that it would just be much easier on you if you weren't so "prideful" wherever you go? This is true I think in many respects, but so not true in others. After my grand escape from the confines of high school, where I had many lovers (none of which were gay or even bi. I don't know how they rationalized that, but I wasn't one to complain because my main goal in High school was pleasure. My ph...

I gotta feeling....... That tonight's gonna be a good night!!!!!! So, hello everyone. Thanks for taking the time to listen to what I have to say. I know, I'm the most interesting person around. lol. Anyways on to the update. I wish to explain what happened at the Job. Since I can not remember dates, I will just say week one, two, and three. Week one, we got an online complaint that I was....... wait for it........ on the front line ignoring customers and .................... FONDLING AND BEING FONDLES BY A FEMALE CO WORKER, Jorden. Now, you know I'm all about the females and can't keep my hands to myself when I see a pair of boobies. Well, the owner had a talk with me about ti. Basically , he didn't give it any thought. Just a random angry customer. Then, week two rolls around and I get another complaint that is almost the same as the previous one but for a different day. At this point the owner didn't even bring this one up until week three when we got a very s...