Sorry, I didn't have a chance to proof read this blog, so forgive me if it's out of order or filled with mistakes.
Well, it's been a while. I'm bringing my blog out of retirement. Yet. So, there's just a few things I would like to say.
The Price of Pride: I can not conclude the previous blog as I wanted to (Wrapped up in a pretty neat bow, sealed with a kissy wissy). I've pretty much went thru so much that I don't even know how I wanted to concluded. So, I will speak as a present person. Some people have said to me " Tommy, don't you think that it would just be much easier on you if you weren't so "prideful" wherever you go? This is true I think in many respects, but so not true in others.
After my grand escape from the confines of high school, where I had many lovers (none of which were gay or even bi. I don't know how they rationalized that, but I wasn't one to complain because my main goal in High school was pleasure. My philosophy was I don't care what you call yourself, just call me your lover).
Then I experienced an open love and realized that it's not just about titles. That I'm meant to be who God created me to be. I was given the gift of gayness. Yes, the gift. For I believe the gays are one of the few people who can truly see that "Unconditional love" that some parents claim. The gays are one of the few people that are still persecuted not only on a personal level, but a religious and political level. Two of the main influences on everyday life.
So, it was me, who said after high school, no more closet. I was never really in the closet, but I was not out. Never did I tell of my sexuality. I remained very much androgynous. Even at one point claiming asexuality. Anything else, I would neither confirm or deny. But one week after high school, I went to a pride shop and pretty much purchased any and everything I could. Pins, buttons, Necklaces, wristbands, even anal beads. LOL. Still don't know how to use them to this day. From that day forward, I was going to be me no matter what. At that point, I'd been made convinced that I was going to hell by religion, and that I would always be a second class citizen by government, but I wasn't going to let that take away from who I am.
I grew. I grew. I grew. In God I grew. I decided to "confront" this God who made me gay, then condemned me for being such. Or, so I thought. As I grew to have debate, then discussion, then resolution with God, I discovered that it was not he who condemned me, it was myself who allowed others to be the word of God, and never listening and speaking with God himself. God spoke and he said that there is purpose for me. That I'm not just a mistake that happened. I'm a creation of Lord God Almighty and for me to allow men to make me be any less than would be sin in itself.
Then I turned to the second class citizen thing. There wasn't even a thought as to anyone in the GLBT community getting the right to adopt,, or even to marry. They said you are a second class citizen, and that's the way you will be till you die. I decided, then that I would just have to deal with that. But then, someone introduced me to the civil rights movement that brought African Americans from being just second class citizens to the many rights that we have today. They didn't just say, Oh well it's something we have to deal with. They took action. They showed that no longer was it okay to oppress us. No longer is it shameful to be black. Being black was something to celebrate and have pride in, as with any race, really. So, I learned to protest, to rally, to stand for something more than myself for more than just myself. It was an inspiring thing. So, never again would I walk in shame of being a black man. No longer would I walk with shame to be a gay man. And I sure as hell wasn't going to walk with shame with being a Proud Black Christian Gay male. We you are who God created you to be, You have such a freedom that can not even be described.
So, when it comes to a question on wither it's best to keep hidden who I am when it comes to work or other public things, the answer boils down to this simple fact. I know of specific cases where I've inspired a black person to be more steadfast in learning and celebrating her history. I've made some Gays and Lesbians realize that they are not alone. that God still loves them. they can live as a homosexual or bisexual and not be sinful or ashamed. . I taught and reminded some Christians of what it means to be Christians. I've taught and reminded some men how to actually be a man about some situations. If there is one person out there that has learned how to love themselves or other people because of the example I set and the pride I exude, than all the hardships, the critisms, the negative actions towards me has been, is, and will forever be worth it.
Yes, I was suspended from my Job and subsequently terminated for showing pride in being both African American and homosexual. But it was worth it. Yes, I've been spat at by strangers. I've been ridiculed, made fun of, challenged, and even fought for being who I am. Not for one second would I change any of that. For I've been loved like no other, been respected like so few. I've seen people's true feelings and I've seen the best of the best and worst of the worst. I know where I fall with them though. I know who I am, and never is there a chance I will hide my piece of heaven from anyone.
No one can put it simply. It's complicated. But to be self actualized about who you are and what you should stand for, nothing could be better.
So, life right now is complicated, but I'm doing it in a way I think pleases God. I'm being made humble again. Not having a job is not the easiest thing in the world by any means, but I'm holding strong. I lost a lot of friends over the last month or so. Sometimes it takes something major to get you to realize just who will stand by you and against evil. Then, you read the story of Jesus' betrayal in such a new way. Not to compare myself to Jesus, but it's just weird looking at it and looking at what has happened to me recently. Though I blame no one for their actions in what happened to me, I can see so many new things.
When I was terminated from my job, I was only then made aware of people who I called my friends, who I would have done anything for, how they really felt for me. I'm not criticizing them at all. I know it's a very tough world out there and they were only doing what they thought would allow them to keep their jobs. Yes, there were a few that were seeking vengeance for whatever reason, but there were those who just didn't have a choice...much choice I should say.
The question was posed, if I were in their shoes with a family to support and very little chance of finding a Job if the current one was lost, wouldn't I do the same thing. Would I tell a little story, exaggerate some story, or leave off certain things from a story in order to keep my job? I can honestly say, I would do anything for my kids, but I would never ever harm another person who I claimed to be my friend. I would never look someone in the eye and say that my family is "more important" than yours. I hope that doesn't make me seem unloyal or not committed to getting the best for my family. I just think that to do so would not teach my children what it is to live like Christ, I think that would contradict everything that Jesus stood for. Though my job is to provide for my family, I believe providing an example and realizing that God would not let them parish if they stood in the light and stood for truth and what is right. To have that find of faith to say "Hey, I know that this is not what everyone else is doing, but I feel I have to stand up for someone who has stood up for me. I refuse to be part of this evilness. I want to state the entire truth, not leaning to better any side, but to put it all out there as the truth. If that cost me my job, fine. God has me because I will be walking in the light. Not in shadiness and wickedness. " . That's the kind of faith I have and I guess that's what I expect those that worked around to have. It was not meant to be, but forgiveness came to them easily from me, but as I said, I understand.
The truth of the matter is, I can forgive them, but no longer can I waste time on investing in friendships that are one-sided. I have so many in this world that need me, and that I need to reach. As Jesus said, wash your feet. That's what I must do. I wish nothing but the best for them for they are children of God, but I must invest in those willing to be transformed by love. To be willing to be the light of the world, not justify their darkness.
I walk on. I carry on. I'm still as strong in my faith as before, if not stronger. Faith in God, and faith in people. I know many who would have done the right thing in that situation. The mission is finding them and learning from them and have them learn from me to make this earth more like heaven. To make this world a better place. I walk on pridefully in the light. I walk on.
Well, it's been a while. I'm bringing my blog out of retirement. Yet. So, there's just a few things I would like to say.
The Price of Pride: I can not conclude the previous blog as I wanted to (Wrapped up in a pretty neat bow, sealed with a kissy wissy). I've pretty much went thru so much that I don't even know how I wanted to concluded. So, I will speak as a present person. Some people have said to me " Tommy, don't you think that it would just be much easier on you if you weren't so "prideful" wherever you go? This is true I think in many respects, but so not true in others.
After my grand escape from the confines of high school, where I had many lovers (none of which were gay or even bi. I don't know how they rationalized that, but I wasn't one to complain because my main goal in High school was pleasure. My philosophy was I don't care what you call yourself, just call me your lover).
Then I experienced an open love and realized that it's not just about titles. That I'm meant to be who God created me to be. I was given the gift of gayness. Yes, the gift. For I believe the gays are one of the few people who can truly see that "Unconditional love" that some parents claim. The gays are one of the few people that are still persecuted not only on a personal level, but a religious and political level. Two of the main influences on everyday life.
So, it was me, who said after high school, no more closet. I was never really in the closet, but I was not out. Never did I tell of my sexuality. I remained very much androgynous. Even at one point claiming asexuality. Anything else, I would neither confirm or deny. But one week after high school, I went to a pride shop and pretty much purchased any and everything I could. Pins, buttons, Necklaces, wristbands, even anal beads. LOL. Still don't know how to use them to this day. From that day forward, I was going to be me no matter what. At that point, I'd been made convinced that I was going to hell by religion, and that I would always be a second class citizen by government, but I wasn't going to let that take away from who I am.
I grew. I grew. I grew. In God I grew. I decided to "confront" this God who made me gay, then condemned me for being such. Or, so I thought. As I grew to have debate, then discussion, then resolution with God, I discovered that it was not he who condemned me, it was myself who allowed others to be the word of God, and never listening and speaking with God himself. God spoke and he said that there is purpose for me. That I'm not just a mistake that happened. I'm a creation of Lord God Almighty and for me to allow men to make me be any less than would be sin in itself.
Then I turned to the second class citizen thing. There wasn't even a thought as to anyone in the GLBT community getting the right to adopt,, or even to marry. They said you are a second class citizen, and that's the way you will be till you die. I decided, then that I would just have to deal with that. But then, someone introduced me to the civil rights movement that brought African Americans from being just second class citizens to the many rights that we have today. They didn't just say, Oh well it's something we have to deal with. They took action. They showed that no longer was it okay to oppress us. No longer is it shameful to be black. Being black was something to celebrate and have pride in, as with any race, really. So, I learned to protest, to rally, to stand for something more than myself for more than just myself. It was an inspiring thing. So, never again would I walk in shame of being a black man. No longer would I walk with shame to be a gay man. And I sure as hell wasn't going to walk with shame with being a Proud Black Christian Gay male. We you are who God created you to be, You have such a freedom that can not even be described.
So, when it comes to a question on wither it's best to keep hidden who I am when it comes to work or other public things, the answer boils down to this simple fact. I know of specific cases where I've inspired a black person to be more steadfast in learning and celebrating her history. I've made some Gays and Lesbians realize that they are not alone. that God still loves them. they can live as a homosexual or bisexual and not be sinful or ashamed. . I taught and reminded some Christians of what it means to be Christians. I've taught and reminded some men how to actually be a man about some situations. If there is one person out there that has learned how to love themselves or other people because of the example I set and the pride I exude, than all the hardships, the critisms, the negative actions towards me has been, is, and will forever be worth it.
Yes, I was suspended from my Job and subsequently terminated for showing pride in being both African American and homosexual. But it was worth it. Yes, I've been spat at by strangers. I've been ridiculed, made fun of, challenged, and even fought for being who I am. Not for one second would I change any of that. For I've been loved like no other, been respected like so few. I've seen people's true feelings and I've seen the best of the best and worst of the worst. I know where I fall with them though. I know who I am, and never is there a chance I will hide my piece of heaven from anyone.
No one can put it simply. It's complicated. But to be self actualized about who you are and what you should stand for, nothing could be better.
So, life right now is complicated, but I'm doing it in a way I think pleases God. I'm being made humble again. Not having a job is not the easiest thing in the world by any means, but I'm holding strong. I lost a lot of friends over the last month or so. Sometimes it takes something major to get you to realize just who will stand by you and against evil. Then, you read the story of Jesus' betrayal in such a new way. Not to compare myself to Jesus, but it's just weird looking at it and looking at what has happened to me recently. Though I blame no one for their actions in what happened to me, I can see so many new things.
When I was terminated from my job, I was only then made aware of people who I called my friends, who I would have done anything for, how they really felt for me. I'm not criticizing them at all. I know it's a very tough world out there and they were only doing what they thought would allow them to keep their jobs. Yes, there were a few that were seeking vengeance for whatever reason, but there were those who just didn't have a choice...much choice I should say.
The question was posed, if I were in their shoes with a family to support and very little chance of finding a Job if the current one was lost, wouldn't I do the same thing. Would I tell a little story, exaggerate some story, or leave off certain things from a story in order to keep my job? I can honestly say, I would do anything for my kids, but I would never ever harm another person who I claimed to be my friend. I would never look someone in the eye and say that my family is "more important" than yours. I hope that doesn't make me seem unloyal or not committed to getting the best for my family. I just think that to do so would not teach my children what it is to live like Christ, I think that would contradict everything that Jesus stood for. Though my job is to provide for my family, I believe providing an example and realizing that God would not let them parish if they stood in the light and stood for truth and what is right. To have that find of faith to say "Hey, I know that this is not what everyone else is doing, but I feel I have to stand up for someone who has stood up for me. I refuse to be part of this evilness. I want to state the entire truth, not leaning to better any side, but to put it all out there as the truth. If that cost me my job, fine. God has me because I will be walking in the light. Not in shadiness and wickedness. " . That's the kind of faith I have and I guess that's what I expect those that worked around to have. It was not meant to be, but forgiveness came to them easily from me, but as I said, I understand.
The truth of the matter is, I can forgive them, but no longer can I waste time on investing in friendships that are one-sided. I have so many in this world that need me, and that I need to reach. As Jesus said, wash your feet. That's what I must do. I wish nothing but the best for them for they are children of God, but I must invest in those willing to be transformed by love. To be willing to be the light of the world, not justify their darkness.
I walk on. I carry on. I'm still as strong in my faith as before, if not stronger. Faith in God, and faith in people. I know many who would have done the right thing in that situation. The mission is finding them and learning from them and have them learn from me to make this earth more like heaven. To make this world a better place. I walk on pridefully in the light. I walk on.