Life's TRUE Journey

I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no

Hello my Peeps. Okay I promised and promised and promised and now I'm finally typing something. I don't know where this is going, but its going. ::::::::::: Job News::::::::::: Major news of course is the job. I have a job after 1 year 3 months. It's been fantastic. So many people, though, have asked where I work. They ask and I almost always lie. I'm not ashamed of my but I made the mistake of mixing my personal life with my work life (Which I think is the reason or a major reason why I lost my job in the first place. ) So, I set out on a mission. I will not let either of them intermingle. The work people know nothing about my friends family etc., and vice versa. Some say this is silly, but hey, it's how I choose to take control of my life. No longer will I play victim and put out fires. I'm fire proofing my whole life. I now know what it's like to be without a job and how things get. I've moved on from that and I never want to go back there again, so I

Hello my friends, family, and fans. This is gonna be a bit of a ranting blog. So, if you have the balls to read it, do so without getting angry. For the last few months, I've been reading more blogs and comments than ever. I made a resolution to loose x number of pound by x day. Then another x by x day. So, silly me, for inspiration, I thought I would read some people who I consider(ed) friends who were okay in their fitness. Much to my surprise, many of them took the time that they could have used to encourage and push people to better themselves physically to belittle, berate, and chastise overweight people. Now, after reading months and months of this crap, I am prepared to make a statement.... First of all, to myself and all of my plus sized brothers, sisters, and sisthers. We were beautiful then, we are beautiful now, and we will be beautiful forever. I am not loosing weight so I can be like "them". Never will I have the classic definition of the "perfect"

Okay, cursor, enough with the blinking. I will type now!!!! Geez. Hello everyone. Welcome to my blog, and double welcome to my Annual Thank Yous. I'll start with a quick update. I'm sleeping better now. I had a chance to hear some stories of Mike and stories of Dannon that I hadn't ever heard. It was nice to reflect and to be around people who knew them a lot longer than I had. It's so nice to hear the impact people have on other's lives in such positive way. I find such comfort in that. I'm restarting this year. I was thinking how much I hated 2010. But then, I think on it in this way. it was the last year that I was able to spend with Mike and the only year I was able to know Dannon so I can't hate or dismiss it. It holds cherished memories and I will give it at least that respect. As I move on with the New Year, I won't forget the many many lessons I learned, and the friends that will not be traveling through 2011 with me in the physica

Well, one could say that I have failed already at so much.... yet I am not of that thinking. Hello my friends. I know this should be my annual Thank Yous being posted, but I'm gonna delay that just a couple more weeks as I gather myself again. Why would I need to gather myself? Well, life happened. I would rather right now type about that than to post the Thank yous. It's my outlet. So, a few weeks ago, I was steadfast in going about my resolutions. I knew that it may be a bumpy road. The difference is that I am actually able to deal with the detours that life gives me rather than jumping out of the car on the side of the highway and crying. I will describe what happened in accordance to my resolutions. I will basically give the update on said resolutions which will explain why life just got side tracked. If you don't remember or never read my resolutions, they are at the bottom of this blog. So, we will start with #1. After reality set in after I had an ex

Hey peeps. I just had my second night of restless tossing turning crying sleep. It gets better I know. I'm just so tore up about the death of my friends. I know it's what we all go through and that it's not going to go away overnight. I'm trying to deal though. New Years eve, I received even more bad news that my ex was in a car wreak. I just lost it. I called and he says everything is fine. Just the car is pretty much done for. After hanging up the phone with him, I wanted to head right over to my pain pill but I knew the headache that developed was not a physical thing. So, I said, I"I have to get the hell out of this house" . Luckily, I have an amazing support team (Dan and Jordan) who got me and my mother and we went to Indiana Live Casino for their new years eve celebration. I know I know, trading in my pain killer addiction for my gambling addiction. lol. Luckily, I don't really have a gambling addiction. I don't even gamble much. It was just nic