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Hey peeps.



I just had my second night of restless tossing turning crying sleep.



It gets better I know. I'm just so tore up about the death of my friends. I know it's what we all go through and that it's not going to go away overnight. I'm trying to deal though.



New Years eve, I received even more bad news that my ex was in a car wreak. I just lost it. I called and he says everything is fine. Just the car is pretty much done for. After hanging up the phone with him, I wanted to head right over to my pain pill but I knew the headache that developed was not a physical thing. So, I said, I"I have to get the hell out of this house" .



Luckily, I have an amazing support team (Dan and Jordan) who got me and my mother and we went to Indiana Live Casino for their new years eve celebration. I know I know, trading in my pain killer addiction for my gambling addiction. lol. Luckily, I don't really have a gambling addiction. I don't even gamble much. It was just nice to spend so much time with my friends and yes, my mom. I'm more glad that my mom was able to get out of the house and do something with her time.



All in all, I've been able to avoid self medicating in the "bad" way. last night, I just stayed by myself watching Milk, American Beauty, and the Austin Powers. My eyes still water up when there's a moment that reminds me of Mike or Dannon.



When I was playing farmville, I just gushed out tears because Mike was the guy who loved planting things and making things grow. A silly facebook game reminds me of him. So, I planted a memorial flower on my farmville in memory of him. Then I started cooking something..... another memory of Mike. I loved watching him cook. We had our longest conversation while he was cooking. I remember seeing how much passion and dedication he put into cooking and the joy that he was getting knowing that his food was going to benefit people and how he wanted so much for it to be perfection.



And last night, I was getting the points together for poker nights, and I came across Dannon's name and I went back into my little records book and remembered the first few times I played with him and how I was intimidated by him because I thought he didn't care much for me. And I started remembering how I first approached him after a particular match we had and he was totally opposite of what I thought. He was kind to me and I realized it was my own stupid insecurities. Since that point, I would always look for him when I entered Olly's and would give him a big hug and try to convince him to play poker . As all this ran thru my mind, I weeped.



Just the little everyday stuff that reminds me of them. I know..... it gets better. That their spirits carry on. That my mournful heart will be okay. Just not the way I thought I would start the new year.



My annual 2010 thanks yous will be delayed about a week. As I gather the strength to post them.



Thank you for taking time to read. Love you all and God Bless.

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