I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no
Free flowing journal entries of a Gay Black American Male. Thomas Williams (DiMera) (B.K.A. Tommy D.) was born January 11th 1986 in Indianapolis Indiana to John Thomas Williams & Debra Deloise Evans . Tommy was relocated to small town Rome Georgia where he recieved most of his education and social skills. Moving back to Indianapolis in 1997 he has since documented his experiences in coming into his own as an adult male with a mission of allowing others to know they are not alone.