College life. My life. The life, In the life. MMMMMMM, lifesavers! HyperCounter
Bpath Counter

<< current

I'm happy and loving life. My email Address is if you wish to email me. I love you all.

Popularity and College is a bitc8
Friday, January 28, 2011  
Well, one could say that I have failed already at so much.... yet I am not of that thinking.

Hello my friends. I know this should be my annual Thank Yous being posted, but I'm gonna delay that just a couple more weeks as I gather myself again. Why would I need to gather myself? Well, life happened. I would rather right now type about that than to post the Thank yous. It's my outlet.

So, a few weeks ago, I was steadfast in going about my resolutions. I knew that it may be a bumpy road. The difference is that I am actually able to deal with the detours that life gives me rather than jumping out of the car on the side of the highway and crying.

I will describe what happened in accordance to my resolutions. I will basically give the update on said resolutions which will explain why life just got side tracked.

If you don't remember or never read my resolutions, they are at the bottom of this blog. So, we will start with #1. After reality set in after I had an excellent workout with my friend Jordan, I skipped on working out all together. The reality.....neither of us at this point can afford to pay to work out, though the gym is the motivation we both so desperately need. So, that was kind of derailed. I've, as of today, gained 5 pounds in total since the beginning of this year.

With resolution #2 amazingly I have been able to keep this. I've learned to reach out to people and ask for aid when I need aid. So many people tell me that I need to get over that whole thing of feeling like a Burdon. It's something that I will never get over, I don't think, but I'm learning to ask and accept aid when I need it.

With #3 I skipped this one. Not been in much of a mood for writing and it seems that I was always too busy, but I'm gonna work out my days to be more structured.

With #4 See #3

With #5 See #3

With #6 See #3

With #7...... OOOOO, the infamous number 7. Damn it! Yes, I used the D word. Okay, so, let me try to explain and understand this myself. So, I got some bad news about a week ago. I maid a status update about it. Basically what it boiled down to is that two potential employers said I was not hired because due to their "Standards of Appearance" I was too fat to work for them. That hurt. It really did. As great of a worker I am, to be denied because your waist size is 2 inches over the "policy" not only made me sad, but angry as hell. Here I am working hard and doing good things and yes, trying to improve my weight not because of appearance but for health reason, and these "people" deny me employment because I ate a few too many Twix. So, after beating up on myself and them for a day, I was just ready to feel....... needed. And, in the arms of "him", I always feel good because he tells me that I'm beautiful. He tells me that I'm great just the way I am. He boosts my moral and make me feel better about me and what I can do. Yes, I ended up in his arms again. And I hate it, but I'm okay with it at the same time. He was feeling pretty crappy about some things that's going on in his life, and we just came together to forget that stuff, even just for a little while. Now, call me crazy (and you have a 95% chance of being correct in that) but the few times in a none sexual setting that I've seen him, when he said "I love you" it seemed different. Before it was more like a friend saying it. But now it makes me feel different and he says it's different. Ugh. I can see me being married to him actually, but we agreed a long time ago that this was not that...... but when he says "I love you"........................ SEE, THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO BE PART OF THIS THING! This is the most unhealthy thing you can do to your heart.

With #8 I've not started the process, but I plan to Monday. Gotta check online as to what is available to me.

With #9 I tell ya, God is giving me clues and hints and reminders to do this. I've had so many dreams about the people I need to give this forgiveness to. It's so hard though. As soon as I think I am working towards it, something stops me from doing it. I want to , but then I just start thinking too much I guess. I know it's something I really want to do, but the actual act of doing it!!!!!!!!! UGH.

With #10 I'm working on a new act. That's all I'm gonna say.

Well it’s been rough. Some of my friends who I thought would be my rock have not been. I know they have other things in their lives, but Geez, didn’t think I would just be dropped in exchange for other people. But as one of them said, I’ve not had long term friendships with anyone really. 6 year doesn’t compare to 10, 20, or even longer friendships. So, yeah, I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.

So, with that all being on my plate, I know I'm stumbled a little bit, but I'm not one of those people that give up at the first sign of problems. And this goes out to you people out there who may have effed up already and the first month isn't even finished......IT'S NOT TOO LATE. We just need to get back on that bull, and yes, we will be thrown off again, but enjoy that ride and trust me, that bull will be conquered. If not, we will get together and kick that bull's ass. So, lets restart together. Lets do this.

I love you all with a passion that is borderline lunacy. Comment, like, and Share. It’s the right thing to do.

1:17 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2011  
Hey peeps.

I just had my second night of restless tossing turning crying sleep.

It gets better I know. I'm just so tore up about the death of my friends. I know it's what we all go through and that it's not going to go away overnight. I'm trying to deal though.

New Years eve, I received even more bad news that my ex was in a car wreak. I just lost it. I called and he says everything is fine. Just the car is pretty much done for. After hanging up the phone with him, I wanted to head right over to my pain pill but I knew the headache that developed was not a physical thing. So, I said, I"I have to get the hell out of this house" .

Luckily, I have an amazing support team (Dan and Jordan) who got me and my mother and we went to Indiana Live Casino for their new years eve celebration. I know I know, trading in my pain killer addiction for my gambling addiction. lol. Luckily, I don't really have a gambling addiction. I don't even gamble much. It was just nice to spend so much time with my friends and yes, my mom. I'm more glad that my mom was able to get out of the house and do something with her time.

All in all, I've been able to avoid self medicating in the "bad" way. last night, I just stayed by myself watching Milk, American Beauty, and the Austin Powers. My eyes still water up when there's a moment that reminds me of Mike or Dannon.

When I was playing farmville, I just gushed out tears because Mike was the guy who loved planting things and making things grow. A silly facebook game reminds me of him. So, I planted a memorial flower on my farmville in memory of him. Then I started cooking something..... another memory of Mike. I loved watching him cook. We had our longest conversation while he was cooking. I remember seeing how much passion and dedication he put into cooking and the joy that he was getting knowing that his food was going to benefit people and how he wanted so much for it to be perfection.

And last night, I was getting the points together for poker nights, and I came across Dannon's name and I went back into my little records book and remembered the first few times I played with him and how I was intimidated by him because I thought he didn't care much for me. And I started remembering how I first approached him after a particular match we had and he was totally opposite of what I thought. He was kind to me and I realized it was my own stupid insecurities. Since that point, I would always look for him when I entered Olly's and would give him a big hug and try to convince him to play poker . As all this ran thru my mind, I weeped.

Just the little everyday stuff that reminds me of them. I know..... it gets better. That their spirits carry on. That my mournful heart will be okay. Just not the way I thought I would start the new year.

My annual 2010 thanks yous will be delayed about a week. As I gather the strength to post them.

Thank you for taking time to read. Love you all and God Bless.

12:57 PM

This page is powered by Blogger.