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Saturday, July 21, 2012  
“It would be so easy to turn to evil. It would be so easy to sell myself short in all matters. But I choose good because I know it makes me feel just that. “

Recently, there have been so many questions in my mind. Why can’t I be where I want to be in life? Why is it impossible (or so it seems) to change my current situations. Money issues, matters of the heart, family issues, friendship issues, religious issues. They all seem to creep back up just when I thought I had them conquered.

So why is it that I cannot seem to find the proper financial solution to all my current woes? Is it because when I had lots of money, I mishandled it without care or consequence? Maybe. All I know is that this adjustment has been hard. Extremely hard. Choosing between being with my friends and saving the little money I have. Choosing between generosity and selfishness all in the name of self-preservation. It’s funny how I now have 1 ½ jobs, and yet I feel as if I’m drowning even more than when I had no job at all that 1 year, 3 months 4 days. It is so frustrating at times. I feel like everything just breaks or goes away all at the same time. Car, MP3 player, laptop, shaver, pants, shoes, hair brush. I know some of those things seem minute, but when the cash register ding dings, it’s not at all a small matter and it adds up super-fast.

Why do I keep having my heart dragged around like some limp rag doll? For fun? And what percentage is it that I’m allowing it to be that way. My ex is engaged to be married. Am I to fake happiness for them when all I see is all my work being enjoyed by the new person getting what I help build. So, I attach to other people I know who either are not available for me or have nothing but a negative impact of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great desire to fully be happy and move on. But it seems that the choices I have for the future are just bad. None of them are good for me. A friend brought up how it has to do with my confidence in getting that good person. That I choose what I can’t have, or the things below me because I feel I don’t deserve to be happy. Hmmm. I don’t know. I have to explore this more. I know my ideal. A Good guy who isn’t flashy or yadda yadda. Just a plain guy who’s heart is good and cares about more than himself. A guy who can cry when he needs to, and laugh when he ought not. Someone who just wants to live life at any cost and who isn’t concerned with all the external things that never matter at the end. So, why is it I choose to love the Arrogant, the self-absorbed, the elitist, the self-described asshole, the Non sensing? Yeah, confusing to me as well.

I don’t know. It gets so overwhelming at time. My thoughts sometimes wonder. I sometimes see myself getting exactly what I want, but in exchange I change my morals. I do bad things. I scheme with Machiavellian precision. I’m smart enough to do such things and get away with it. I know how to stop caring. I know how to turn my heart off. I know how to use anything and anyone to get what I want and turn around and discard it like the rubbish I think it is when it is no longer of use to me. It would be so easy for me to turn to evil. It would be so easy to sell myself short in all matter. But I choose good because I know it makes me feel just that. It makes me smile to see others smile. I would hate to be the only one smiling. This internal conflict within me has been around since childhood. I get fed up with seeing evil bad people win. And here I am fighting the good fight in the name of Good. It doesn’t always work I must admit. To sit and be good and watch bad triumph sometimes friggen sucks. But when I look over and see Good people with me in our ups and our downs, I would rather be with these people. Because we are in for the long haul. Bad will eventually start eating each other because it’s their nature. But the Good will be consistent with trust, love, and courage to fight even what seems to be a losing battle. At all times standing behind the right of the matter. Love and integrity can never be defeated. It may be beat down to a pulp, but its nature to grow and florious once again.

So continuing on in Good is the only choice for me. I would be more miserable in Bad, even if I were to be victorious in all my endeavors. I was so confused just several months ago. I ask myself “Why do these people think I am so good when I am anything but”. I’ve come to realize that I am good. That in the end I will always choose what’s right even at the expense of myself. They were right, I am good and it’s time I own it. My mind tries to convince me that because I am pretty much a failure at many of the things I want/desire/value that I’ was getting what I deserved because I’m not Good. But the Good person I know that in time, all that I want/desire/value will come to me with more intensity than anyone can imagine. Patience and perseverance. Good will win.

12:20 PM

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