I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no longer be able to be the good they see. That I may turn out the lights forever on on something I feel so good about. I will not let them down! But how can I be completely okay with being thawed out? I stay frozen until I figure this out.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 4:10:24 AM EST Feeling Mischievous Eating a Chicken Broccoli Hot Pocket I smell Sex and Candy I just had to update after the night I had last night and the weekend I had. Lets start with the smaller stuff. I AM MY SISTERS HUSBAND: Yeah, catchy title, eh? Well, a little back ground. My dear sister "L" is in some sort of relationship with a man double her age. Well, they aren't physical or anything, but they are friendly with one another. So, recently he's had some medical problems and "L" wanted to visit him in the hospital ( And bring him a gigantic basket of fruit and all. Fixed up by her). So I come along because the basket was big and she needed help. We get up to the hospital room, and there he is WITH HIS WIFE! So, I'm sitting back and enjoying the psychology of it all. the wife sense something night right. My sister trying not to say the wrong thing. The guy trying to be happy without being too happy. ...