I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no longer be able to be the good they see. That I may turn out the lights forever on on something I feel so good about. I will not let them down! But how can I be completely okay with being thawed out? I stay frozen until I figure this out.
Okay, a lot has happened. I found out the girl I used to be in love with, Brandie, is about to get married to the jerk I can't satnd, James K. And Guess what, I'm invited to the friggin wedding. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Brandie and I have know each other for about two years, and she's known him about a year. Yet she isn't "allowed" to talk to me for extended periods of time, nor is she allowed to go to lunch with me like we used to. It's like, man, wow, he's in control, eh? He's 26 and she's 19. Ew. So, the wedding is tommorow, Saturday the 25th, at 1 pm. So, then I found out a couple of days ago, a friend of mine died. His name was Scott. I put the ad that was in the newspaper in the blog. I was good friends with him in middle school, but we kinda lost touch in high school. It totally sucks. I cried and laughed, and cried. His funeral is at 5pm tomorrow, saturday 25. The same day I found out about scott, I locked my keys in my car ...