Feeling Sad
I'm not well
I am not well.
My heart has become empty. This is not a post of thank yous or empty promises. It's not a fulfillment of promises made previously by myself. This is just a post of me expressing and summing up my life to this point, and boy do I have a lot to say.
There was a point recently that I thought that I found "the one" . Why matters of my emotional well being always seem to revolve around the male species, I do not know. This is the story of Sam. I surrounded myself around a few good friends. The main two are Jessi a friend that loves the ideal of love. Especially given the fact that she found her soul mate at 17. And Brandi, a mother of three who also love the ideal of love.
My boyfriend, Ramiro, had decided that waiting for me was not worth the venture. So basically, he said to hell with it right before Christmas. It was to be expected. We were both starting to see qualities in each other that were very un compatible. So, the new year is rung in with a promise I would make to myself. 2005 was a devastating year in the romance department. Mainly, Kevin. Also, all of my goals had went out of the door. I'd not seen myself at all in 2005. I focused on other things. My physical health took a major beating. I gained so much by the end of the year, that I had to put up the outfit that I bought in celebration for the pounds I had shed in 2004.
I made resolutions. Focus on my physical health. Focus on my mental health. Social health. For I had pounds to re shed, clarity and inner peace to regain, and old "gone" friends to replace and new ones to make. I started off on a great foot. I got a new car, for one thing. I started sociallizing more with people I meet at random. Also with people at work, I would invite them for get togethers outside of work. I went BACK to church and interacted with people there. I embraced every aspect of social interaction. One difference was, I was in no instance whatsoever pursuing in type of relationship outside the boundries of common platonic friendships. In the first few weeks, I hit the ground hard with eating correctly, and exercising and just being generally more active. In fact, in the first two week I lost 12 pounds like that. I was clear on the direction of which I was going.
Then, there was Sam. Sam entered my life, and somehow I knew this was different than anything i'd previously experienced. He walked in with esteem. With a force of a black hole, pulling my whole being into his ora and not letting go. All previous resolutions I made to myself went out the door. Kevin, Cory, Ramiro, Josh, Aaron, Cheryl, Shannon, Brian! All of my ex'es didn't exist at all. They were not it. I knew what I was meant for. I knew who I was to travel the rest of my life with . Sam.
Weeks go by, and Sam and I get closer. At first, being in his presence made me more nervous than anything before. It was like I just knew that somehow I would mess this up. That the one for me would turn away. So, I did some stupid things. One of which was to start laughing at him when he asked me out. For a moment, all those in securities came rushing back. I'm too this. I'm too that. not worthy . not worthy. NOT WORTHY. Repeated in my mind. But Sam didn't give up on me at that time, because I knew in his heart he felt an understanding of me. It was like, he seen right thru me. And I'm a scared little boy, and I'm just now awakening and trying to become a man.
So, I had two friends, Brandi and Jessi, who would encourage me. Help me work out those fears and help me be truly happy. After what I've been thru, I thought this is the reward I've been craving. They would talk to him. They would talk to me. I'm thinking, these wonderful, beautiful women actually care enough for me to try to do this for me. Am I blessed.
So, it's time. i'm ready to pledge my heart to Sam. I am finally ready to get serious. On the very same day I had planned to finally take the offensive, he comes up to me to tell me that Brandi and Jessi had been helping him to figure some things out.
"Yes" I thought in the back of my mind. Then he uttered the words that sent me spiraling into the darkest pits of my lackluster soul. He said that my friends. My girls. They convinced him to give his ex, David, another shot and work things out and to move away.
That is it. My heart sank. I got that brave Tommy front that I've become famous for, and I smiled for the fucking hell of me, and I said "Wow, that's awesome. I wish you well" . And, call it shock, or numbness, and lunacy. But After this, I was in a state of happiness. I talked with Brandi and Jessi, and I was actually thanking them for making sure Sam was happy. I don't know what happened. Sam would soon be moving across town and changing jobs, so basically I knew I would see him once every 6 months from then. I began to drink nightly. Eating excessively during the day. I finnally snapped out of this dazed state after a week, and I wanted revenge! On Jessi. On Brandi. On David. On every fucking body in the world.
I had it out with Brandi. Did she really know it, I don't know. But I would make quick remarks to let her know what she did was wrong. Then, one night as I was taking her home, we spoke and she basically laid it down for me. She said she didn't really do much convincing Sam to go to David. it was more that Sam used her as a sound board to voice things to about me. Apparently, he said I was no longer a physical match for him, and that I am a "drama queen". After Brandi told me that, I drove for two hours straight after dropping her off and I finally pulled over in a downtown alley and yelled and screamed and hurt myself physically for 30 minutes straight.
The next day I confronted Jessi. Jessi was the one that really convinced Sam to go to David. The encounter was more heated than anything I've experienced before. And add to that, it was in public. Nothing was settled, and it still isn't with her. Just recently , she made the comment that "if you weren't so stupid and laugh in his face when he asked you the first time....."
Life is still hell right now. I don't have Sam, the reason I gave up so much of my life. I've gained even more weight. I'm rarely sleeping, and if I do, it's only for 4 hours at a time. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot. My emotional health is pretty much nonexistent. I have this entire weekend off, and I look around. I do not have a single friend. Not one. I wanted to go somewhere tonight with no where to go. I honestly have nothing. I've been filled with such hate I've pushed everyone away.
Lets make it even better. Last friday, i was out with a group of people. there was a random shot and it came so close to hitting one of us. God knows I'm not a suicidal person, but I was wishing for a moment that that bullet would have hit me. Let me be honest. It's more than just a moment. i had been thinking a lot that it should have hit me, and that scares me.
A lot of other things have been happening to me as well. My new car was vandalized and my cds and headlight were taken. I almost killed an ex friend of mine because I got so angry that I threw a knife at him. All the paperwork to my court case against Pamela Sexton was stolen and I have to be in court on Tuesday and there's no way I can get all those papers replaced. I lost a very important piece of jewelry that was given to me by my ex best friend. The man who molested me was released. My cousin was killed. My Uncle's liver failed and has to be on dialysis until maybe a transplant if even he's a candidate. He used to drink a lot and apparently there is some question of his current sobriety.
The combination of all these things have resulted in me being unrecognizable to myself. I'm scared. I'm lost within myself. I feel so empty while even typing this. Like, I'm detached and I'm just telling you of this loser guy. i don't even know why I am writing this. I don't know.
Written by thomasdimera
I'm not well
I am not well.
My heart has become empty. This is not a post of thank yous or empty promises. It's not a fulfillment of promises made previously by myself. This is just a post of me expressing and summing up my life to this point, and boy do I have a lot to say.
There was a point recently that I thought that I found "the one" . Why matters of my emotional well being always seem to revolve around the male species, I do not know. This is the story of Sam. I surrounded myself around a few good friends. The main two are Jessi a friend that loves the ideal of love. Especially given the fact that she found her soul mate at 17. And Brandi, a mother of three who also love the ideal of love.
My boyfriend, Ramiro, had decided that waiting for me was not worth the venture. So basically, he said to hell with it right before Christmas. It was to be expected. We were both starting to see qualities in each other that were very un compatible. So, the new year is rung in with a promise I would make to myself. 2005 was a devastating year in the romance department. Mainly, Kevin. Also, all of my goals had went out of the door. I'd not seen myself at all in 2005. I focused on other things. My physical health took a major beating. I gained so much by the end of the year, that I had to put up the outfit that I bought in celebration for the pounds I had shed in 2004.
I made resolutions. Focus on my physical health. Focus on my mental health. Social health. For I had pounds to re shed, clarity and inner peace to regain, and old "gone" friends to replace and new ones to make. I started off on a great foot. I got a new car, for one thing. I started sociallizing more with people I meet at random. Also with people at work, I would invite them for get togethers outside of work. I went BACK to church and interacted with people there. I embraced every aspect of social interaction. One difference was, I was in no instance whatsoever pursuing in type of relationship outside the boundries of common platonic friendships. In the first few weeks, I hit the ground hard with eating correctly, and exercising and just being generally more active. In fact, in the first two week I lost 12 pounds like that. I was clear on the direction of which I was going.
Then, there was Sam. Sam entered my life, and somehow I knew this was different than anything i'd previously experienced. He walked in with esteem. With a force of a black hole, pulling my whole being into his ora and not letting go. All previous resolutions I made to myself went out the door. Kevin, Cory, Ramiro, Josh, Aaron, Cheryl, Shannon, Brian! All of my ex'es didn't exist at all. They were not it. I knew what I was meant for. I knew who I was to travel the rest of my life with . Sam.
Weeks go by, and Sam and I get closer. At first, being in his presence made me more nervous than anything before. It was like I just knew that somehow I would mess this up. That the one for me would turn away. So, I did some stupid things. One of which was to start laughing at him when he asked me out. For a moment, all those in securities came rushing back. I'm too this. I'm too that. not worthy . not worthy. NOT WORTHY. Repeated in my mind. But Sam didn't give up on me at that time, because I knew in his heart he felt an understanding of me. It was like, he seen right thru me. And I'm a scared little boy, and I'm just now awakening and trying to become a man.
So, I had two friends, Brandi and Jessi, who would encourage me. Help me work out those fears and help me be truly happy. After what I've been thru, I thought this is the reward I've been craving. They would talk to him. They would talk to me. I'm thinking, these wonderful, beautiful women actually care enough for me to try to do this for me. Am I blessed.
So, it's time. i'm ready to pledge my heart to Sam. I am finally ready to get serious. On the very same day I had planned to finally take the offensive, he comes up to me to tell me that Brandi and Jessi had been helping him to figure some things out.
"Yes" I thought in the back of my mind. Then he uttered the words that sent me spiraling into the darkest pits of my lackluster soul. He said that my friends. My girls. They convinced him to give his ex, David, another shot and work things out and to move away.
That is it. My heart sank. I got that brave Tommy front that I've become famous for, and I smiled for the fucking hell of me, and I said "Wow, that's awesome. I wish you well" . And, call it shock, or numbness, and lunacy. But After this, I was in a state of happiness. I talked with Brandi and Jessi, and I was actually thanking them for making sure Sam was happy. I don't know what happened. Sam would soon be moving across town and changing jobs, so basically I knew I would see him once every 6 months from then. I began to drink nightly. Eating excessively during the day. I finnally snapped out of this dazed state after a week, and I wanted revenge! On Jessi. On Brandi. On David. On every fucking body in the world.
I had it out with Brandi. Did she really know it, I don't know. But I would make quick remarks to let her know what she did was wrong. Then, one night as I was taking her home, we spoke and she basically laid it down for me. She said she didn't really do much convincing Sam to go to David. it was more that Sam used her as a sound board to voice things to about me. Apparently, he said I was no longer a physical match for him, and that I am a "drama queen". After Brandi told me that, I drove for two hours straight after dropping her off and I finally pulled over in a downtown alley and yelled and screamed and hurt myself physically for 30 minutes straight.
The next day I confronted Jessi. Jessi was the one that really convinced Sam to go to David. The encounter was more heated than anything I've experienced before. And add to that, it was in public. Nothing was settled, and it still isn't with her. Just recently , she made the comment that "if you weren't so stupid and laugh in his face when he asked you the first time....."
Life is still hell right now. I don't have Sam, the reason I gave up so much of my life. I've gained even more weight. I'm rarely sleeping, and if I do, it's only for 4 hours at a time. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot. My emotional health is pretty much nonexistent. I have this entire weekend off, and I look around. I do not have a single friend. Not one. I wanted to go somewhere tonight with no where to go. I honestly have nothing. I've been filled with such hate I've pushed everyone away.
Lets make it even better. Last friday, i was out with a group of people. there was a random shot and it came so close to hitting one of us. God knows I'm not a suicidal person, but I was wishing for a moment that that bullet would have hit me. Let me be honest. It's more than just a moment. i had been thinking a lot that it should have hit me, and that scares me.
A lot of other things have been happening to me as well. My new car was vandalized and my cds and headlight were taken. I almost killed an ex friend of mine because I got so angry that I threw a knife at him. All the paperwork to my court case against Pamela Sexton was stolen and I have to be in court on Tuesday and there's no way I can get all those papers replaced. I lost a very important piece of jewelry that was given to me by my ex best friend. The man who molested me was released. My cousin was killed. My Uncle's liver failed and has to be on dialysis until maybe a transplant if even he's a candidate. He used to drink a lot and apparently there is some question of his current sobriety.
The combination of all these things have resulted in me being unrecognizable to myself. I'm scared. I'm lost within myself. I feel so empty while even typing this. Like, I'm detached and I'm just telling you of this loser guy. i don't even know why I am writing this. I don't know.
Written by thomasdimera