Hello my beautiful wonderful and stupid friends.
This blog, I think, will go one for a bit, so only my truly devoted readers may read this, but whatever. I have much to say, and much to update on. Pieces and pieces all around and I don't mind not being able to make a neat blog, as you would. But I can guarantee it will be filled with my innermost thoughts.
Subject 1: Matthew Shepard
So, can anyone tell me when he was attacked. Well, I can. October 7th 1998 and he passed away on October 12th 1998. I recall being a young gay teen at the time and hearing of this. It was an important moment in my life when I had to make the choice to stay in the closet and be safe from this type of thing or to come out and be who I am. What a hard choice it was to be in the situation of having to even think about that. Over the years, there have been lots of conclusion as to why the losers who killed Matthew killed him. I don't care what it was. He was our brother. He was a person. Never have I felt such pain as I do when I recall my brother Matthew. I know that right now his wings are spread to an insane amount up there in heaven with our lord. I take comfort in this. But so many people soon forget what his murder stood for in our lives. Not just the lives of the gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered communities; Also in the lives of our Straight friends all across the "good" ol US.
I want everyone to understand that Matthew was not the first, nor was he the last to be victimized on the bases of something so simple as who he may love. This struggle continues on. Never mind that there was basically no mention of it any any local media. The struggle continues. I may be attacked tomorrow being who I am. Because, at the age of 15 I had made that choice to be who I am and to be proud. You won't catch me out in public with some way of showing my pride. When I had my car, I slapped a big rainbow on the back of it. When I'm walking, I get my rainbow pin or my wrist band, or my buttons. When it's raining, I bring out "Pridebella", my rainbow colored umbrella. I made the choice never to fear the pathetic losers like those who killed Matthew. A fearful life has never been one for me to live, nor will it ever be. If I die of natural causes, or because some dumbass fuck wants to kill me, I will go out with Pride and I will continue to be me to the very end.
Matthew Shepard
Matthew Shepard
12-1-1976 - 10-12-1998
In my heart and everything I do 10-07-1998 - The end of my life.
Subject 2: How I live
So many things have happened this year and last. I've had a hell of a time.
So, how does someone like me live through it. I've taken in lots of thought to this. I come up with the most simple of answers though. I live to live.
Take for example last night. I sat and cried at the sky. It was so beautiful and I had this overwhelming need to just stop and take it in. I stopped and lay upon the cold ground and looked up at the beauty of it all. Soon, that ground below me became warm. I looked up at this beautiful sky and all of a sudden I seen a streak of light pass by. As I became one with this beautiful sky, I started to feel this great uplifting feeling of being a part of something so grand and so beautiful and being beautiful myself. I made a wish upon the shooting star to see another one. Soon there after, another streaked by and my soul became the sky and my body was at such a comfort I began to weep again at the sheer delight of it.
Some may think, "How gay of you". I can see how it could be seen as that, but I wouldn't change it at all. I am hoping to repeat the process tonight if possible.
Some have asked me about how I have become such a positive person. I can't answer you. I wish I could take my happiness and spread it among everyone I meet. I know I can't, but that does not stop me from trying. I give it my all to make everyone I come in contact with happy. To make them feel the joy that I experience at the slightest of things in life.
I've learned for much over the last few years.
I've learned that when someone calls me beautiful, I am not to say "No you're wrong" I've learned to say "Thank you" I've learned that when someone calls me fat and ugly and all the negative things they can, that in turn I am not to get angry with them and go to that level. I literally look at that person and start to point out the nice features in them. it's a profound impact on them. They say I'm ugly, I point out how beautiful their smile is. They call me fat, and I point out how beautiful their body is and how one day I hope to be as toned as they are. And when they call me a wigger, a sell out, or a nigger, I point out to them how beautiful their culture is as a whole. Many people see this as degrading to myself, but I've discovered that the impact that I have with them is greater than it would be to try to correct and make them "see the light".
I've learned to let no one except my Lord determine how I feel about anything in my life or my beautiful self. How does one reach this point, I don't know. I'll tell you what I have right now that I didn't have two years ago and maybe it will give some insight.
I have my beautiful church, Jesus Metropolitan Community Church where I relearn the basis of my morals. I have true friends in my life who are a lot like me and who are a lot different than me. I have less money than i did before which in turn has helped me to notice what it's like to have to sacrifice and to appreciate anything that I have just that much more. I have a job where I'm happy to go into everyday. I have a self image based on what I love about myself, not one that is based on what I hate and want to change about myself. I have a family that has so many flaws, but I've learned not to just judge and be done with it, but to be there as family should. I've rediscovered my family and put them back on the top of my priority list. I have priorities, period. Before I lived without it. I took what I got at that very moment and dealt with it. It works for some, but for be, it's best to think in this way : How does this affect my lord/soul, my family, and my friends before I do anything. If I can satisfy all three, I go without. I was focused for a while on how it only supports me (my soul) or any other category. Now I satisfy all 4 with all that I do. I have less stress because I refuse to even bring it into my life. I have an easy life, and it's not hard to have. And above all else, I have something called knowledge. Knowledge that there will be hurtful hard times in my life. I know that I have all these weapons to battle everything that life will throw my way, but I will still have to battle. Don't think just because you have everything in life, that there won't be a battle. if there isn't a battle, you're dead... That's the end of the story. I know, my Lord is looking upon me as I battle and I know in my soul what he wants for me to do and how to use the weapons I've acquired. I sometimes think all these weapons are too heaven to carry into battle, but I know it's best I have them all because the enemy has yet to reveal itself to me and if I decide to drop one of the weapons for temporary relief, I may end up loosing the battle completely.
I try not to use metaphors like that because they can get easily confused, and I'm sorry if I have confused anyone. It's just very hard to explain these things in a "tidy" manner. The emotions in my soul are at a stir and it's the most freeing and confusing thing to me.
Clarity can be achieved with more communication with me. that's on your shoulder if you need to know more.
Also, I've learned to just have fun. As I walk through downtown and everywhere, I'm no longer concerned how I may "come off" to others. I know, lots of you are saying "I don't care how other people see me." Well, I used to say that too, until I actually didn't care.
Look, the main point I want to make is, people will always think you are crazy wether you "fit in well" or not. I've given up trying to look like everyone else. I sometimes walk around singing my music out loud. Something a crazy person would do, right? But try it sometimes. How freeing. I sometimes walk up to a beautiful person and let them know they are beautiful. Something a crazy person would do. But I do it. 95% I get a smile or a thank you. There is that 5% who get angry or give me sick or weird looks (mainly guys, but that's to be expected), but I know that it's a risk I take. I also know that even those hard core conservative republican bigot guys go how and for a millisecond have a feeling of "I'm pretty"
It's mainly about loving your life and the trying to get others to love theirs. I even dance for people on a bus stop. They think "Oh shit, another crazy guy" but it always makes them smile or even get them to talk to one another about that crazy guy who just shook his booty. Which in turn I think also nourishes there soul and gives them that millisecond of less stress.
I think I'm going to put a "To be Continued" label on this blog because there just so much more to say about being happy and making happiness.
This blog, I think, will go one for a bit, so only my truly devoted readers may read this, but whatever. I have much to say, and much to update on. Pieces and pieces all around and I don't mind not being able to make a neat blog, as you would. But I can guarantee it will be filled with my innermost thoughts.
Subject 1: Matthew Shepard
So, can anyone tell me when he was attacked. Well, I can. October 7th 1998 and he passed away on October 12th 1998. I recall being a young gay teen at the time and hearing of this. It was an important moment in my life when I had to make the choice to stay in the closet and be safe from this type of thing or to come out and be who I am. What a hard choice it was to be in the situation of having to even think about that. Over the years, there have been lots of conclusion as to why the losers who killed Matthew killed him. I don't care what it was. He was our brother. He was a person. Never have I felt such pain as I do when I recall my brother Matthew. I know that right now his wings are spread to an insane amount up there in heaven with our lord. I take comfort in this. But so many people soon forget what his murder stood for in our lives. Not just the lives of the gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered communities; Also in the lives of our Straight friends all across the "good" ol US.
I want everyone to understand that Matthew was not the first, nor was he the last to be victimized on the bases of something so simple as who he may love. This struggle continues on. Never mind that there was basically no mention of it any any local media. The struggle continues. I may be attacked tomorrow being who I am. Because, at the age of 15 I had made that choice to be who I am and to be proud. You won't catch me out in public with some way of showing my pride. When I had my car, I slapped a big rainbow on the back of it. When I'm walking, I get my rainbow pin or my wrist band, or my buttons. When it's raining, I bring out "Pridebella", my rainbow colored umbrella. I made the choice never to fear the pathetic losers like those who killed Matthew. A fearful life has never been one for me to live, nor will it ever be. If I die of natural causes, or because some dumbass fuck wants to kill me, I will go out with Pride and I will continue to be me to the very end.
Matthew Shepard
Matthew Shepard
12-1-1976 - 10-12-1998
In my heart and everything I do 10-07-1998 - The end of my life.
Subject 2: How I live
So many things have happened this year and last. I've had a hell of a time.
So, how does someone like me live through it. I've taken in lots of thought to this. I come up with the most simple of answers though. I live to live.
Take for example last night. I sat and cried at the sky. It was so beautiful and I had this overwhelming need to just stop and take it in. I stopped and lay upon the cold ground and looked up at the beauty of it all. Soon, that ground below me became warm. I looked up at this beautiful sky and all of a sudden I seen a streak of light pass by. As I became one with this beautiful sky, I started to feel this great uplifting feeling of being a part of something so grand and so beautiful and being beautiful myself. I made a wish upon the shooting star to see another one. Soon there after, another streaked by and my soul became the sky and my body was at such a comfort I began to weep again at the sheer delight of it.
Some may think, "How gay of you". I can see how it could be seen as that, but I wouldn't change it at all. I am hoping to repeat the process tonight if possible.
Some have asked me about how I have become such a positive person. I can't answer you. I wish I could take my happiness and spread it among everyone I meet. I know I can't, but that does not stop me from trying. I give it my all to make everyone I come in contact with happy. To make them feel the joy that I experience at the slightest of things in life.
I've learned for much over the last few years.
I've learned that when someone calls me beautiful, I am not to say "No you're wrong" I've learned to say "Thank you" I've learned that when someone calls me fat and ugly and all the negative things they can, that in turn I am not to get angry with them and go to that level. I literally look at that person and start to point out the nice features in them. it's a profound impact on them. They say I'm ugly, I point out how beautiful their smile is. They call me fat, and I point out how beautiful their body is and how one day I hope to be as toned as they are. And when they call me a wigger, a sell out, or a nigger, I point out to them how beautiful their culture is as a whole. Many people see this as degrading to myself, but I've discovered that the impact that I have with them is greater than it would be to try to correct and make them "see the light".
I've learned to let no one except my Lord determine how I feel about anything in my life or my beautiful self. How does one reach this point, I don't know. I'll tell you what I have right now that I didn't have two years ago and maybe it will give some insight.
I have my beautiful church, Jesus Metropolitan Community Church where I relearn the basis of my morals. I have true friends in my life who are a lot like me and who are a lot different than me. I have less money than i did before which in turn has helped me to notice what it's like to have to sacrifice and to appreciate anything that I have just that much more. I have a job where I'm happy to go into everyday. I have a self image based on what I love about myself, not one that is based on what I hate and want to change about myself. I have a family that has so many flaws, but I've learned not to just judge and be done with it, but to be there as family should. I've rediscovered my family and put them back on the top of my priority list. I have priorities, period. Before I lived without it. I took what I got at that very moment and dealt with it. It works for some, but for be, it's best to think in this way : How does this affect my lord/soul, my family, and my friends before I do anything. If I can satisfy all three, I go without. I was focused for a while on how it only supports me (my soul) or any other category. Now I satisfy all 4 with all that I do. I have less stress because I refuse to even bring it into my life. I have an easy life, and it's not hard to have. And above all else, I have something called knowledge. Knowledge that there will be hurtful hard times in my life. I know that I have all these weapons to battle everything that life will throw my way, but I will still have to battle. Don't think just because you have everything in life, that there won't be a battle. if there isn't a battle, you're dead... That's the end of the story. I know, my Lord is looking upon me as I battle and I know in my soul what he wants for me to do and how to use the weapons I've acquired. I sometimes think all these weapons are too heaven to carry into battle, but I know it's best I have them all because the enemy has yet to reveal itself to me and if I decide to drop one of the weapons for temporary relief, I may end up loosing the battle completely.
I try not to use metaphors like that because they can get easily confused, and I'm sorry if I have confused anyone. It's just very hard to explain these things in a "tidy" manner. The emotions in my soul are at a stir and it's the most freeing and confusing thing to me.
Clarity can be achieved with more communication with me. that's on your shoulder if you need to know more.
Also, I've learned to just have fun. As I walk through downtown and everywhere, I'm no longer concerned how I may "come off" to others. I know, lots of you are saying "I don't care how other people see me." Well, I used to say that too, until I actually didn't care.
Look, the main point I want to make is, people will always think you are crazy wether you "fit in well" or not. I've given up trying to look like everyone else. I sometimes walk around singing my music out loud. Something a crazy person would do, right? But try it sometimes. How freeing. I sometimes walk up to a beautiful person and let them know they are beautiful. Something a crazy person would do. But I do it. 95% I get a smile or a thank you. There is that 5% who get angry or give me sick or weird looks (mainly guys, but that's to be expected), but I know that it's a risk I take. I also know that even those hard core conservative republican bigot guys go how and for a millisecond have a feeling of "I'm pretty"
It's mainly about loving your life and the trying to get others to love theirs. I even dance for people on a bus stop. They think "Oh shit, another crazy guy" but it always makes them smile or even get them to talk to one another about that crazy guy who just shook his booty. Which in turn I think also nourishes there soul and gives them that millisecond of less stress.
I think I'm going to put a "To be Continued" label on this blog because there just so much more to say about being happy and making happiness.