ToO Much time to think.
Current mood: confused
Category: Life
I think too much.
I get scared sometimes. I know. I hear so much about death and then I obsess on it for a whole day. This was one of those days.
I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and I thank the lord everyday for each and every one of them. But damn, they make me think too much. People come up to me because they say I'm smart, I'm philisophical. I'm Wise beyond my years or whatever. It's great, but if you know me you know I have a lot to say. But I tell ya, sometimes I get so bogged down with these questions that make me think.
Religion/God: Beoing a gay christian buddhist has it's challenges, without saying. This is the most difficult issue to try to explain about myself. For a number of years, I had faith in nothing at all. I lost my father, I was dealing with being violated as a child and as a teen. I experienced so much pain that I broke. But what made me come back " to the light" so to speak. All these people tell me that I don't belong. God hates me. Blah blah blah. What made me come back? Have you see love in it's puriest form? I have. Because I love without bounds and sometimes to a fault. For that period in my life when I had no faith in anything, I also had no love for myself, others. I had hate that can never be described into words. I was a void to this world. So what brought me back, and why do I have faith now. I mean, I'vehad a lot of stuff recently happen with me that I could easily be angry and hatful about. Why am I not turning into that hatful person of years past? I can't answer. Yes, I ask why a lot, and you should. And some answers I don't have or get. But I still have that faith in whats to come. How can I convey that to my friends? I feel it's not my place to convey it anyways even If I could. So in return, I just shut down at the whole situation or studder my way thru it until I can get the conversation changed.
LOL. I went on about that and I forgot the other stuff I was going to talk about. Oh well, I'm shooting from the hip now.
I'm very restless. I have so many things going in my mind. I'm the saver recently. From my ex with his alcohol issues to my friend with his suicidal thoughts, I've been stretching myself think with putting out their fires. It's such a gift to have the ability to calm these problems for my friends and don't think for one second I'm upset or don't want to. I know in last post I spoke of looking for ways to get out of spending the night with my ex and help him work out some of the issues going on with him, but I think I was just exhausted. When I was with him, I felt great joy. I mean, I guess the feeling of being needed by someone appeals to me and the ability to actually help a person. I am at my greatest when I am helping other no matter how stretched I am.
Sorry, I'm rather tired and I'm not into typing out my jumbled thoughts but I have to have some sort of outlet. I don't know. I need to stop thinking about this heavy stuff.
Ok, here's some small stuff. ... Um. Well, crap. ok. I finished a short story and a few songs this week. Yay. I have my artistic brain back. I was inspired by a guy who I fell in love with last month. You know who you are. Well, he inspired the short story and one of the songs. The other song was inspired by all my friends. I was going to release them on my website, but yeah, I've not even updated it. It's proving to be harder than I thought. Time is so limited. WOrk takes up 60 hours a week. My friends take up the rest. I have about 10 minutes a week for personal time and since January 20th, when I got time I would write about the romantic weekend I shared with the guy I love. Or should I say loved? I don't know. Another one of those heavy things going on in my head.
I have too big of a heart. I shouldn't, but I do. Ok, listen, this blog was basically about nothing. lol. Sorry. I will post more organized blogs soon. I was just loooking threw some of my blogs of the past. I wanna post one here. Why? I dunno. I just want to damnit.I'll update with a better blog within two weeks. Maybe I'll have my wits about me again by that time. Here's a organized awesome blog from the past. LOL> Love you guys.
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REPOST BLOG. WARNING I WAS REALLY DE-PRESSED IN THIS POST.
Friday, October 01, 2004 Sucks to be MeHey. I'm major depressed right now. Just, everything and stuff. I had such a horrible day and one one hand I don't even want to talk about it, but I have to because it's my life and I made a promise that I would share and try to reach out to people. but who am I kidding. No one I guess.Well, lets see, where do I begin? i have no friends. None. Well, none who are willing to be my friend when I need it. Dan, you say. No, he's not here. I find out that he's off catering to his ex girlfriend. The one who has cheated on him, dumped him, devalued him. And I try to talk to him about tonight on his phone, and for the first time since we've known each other, he snaps at me and says to mind my own business. But, yeah, I have no business. Shawna. I tried to talk to her, but she goes off and says that I call too much. Well, not exactly, but she made an off beat comment " You call me every 15 minutes anyways." So, whatever. I have such a poor body image and a girl at my stupid job makes a few comments that are just too painful to post here about me. She didn't mean to be hostile, but it hit me. So, yeah, she did that in front of a guys that I really liked and then he laughs and then later I seen them hugging and I think they went somewhere together after work. And she knew that I really really liked him, and yeah. So. She's blonde so she gets anything she wants anyways. So, get home and I cry. Started thinking of Cory. wish I could run to him. Have him hold me, but, no,it's stupid. I think I messed that up. I mean, yeah he stole from me and treated me like shit, but I had some responsibility in that. i outed him in front of his family because I was a jeolous bitter bitch. I hurt him so many times because of my stupid jeolousy. I would try to make him want someone else, and when he started to like them, I would treat him like shit. I was just young and dumb. I don't blame him for lashing back out at me. I'm just so stupid. I used to think I was so smart, but I'm not. I think I'm better than everyone but look at me. People look at me and obviously don't see it that way. I realize that I'm amounting to zero here. I live with my mother, I'm not even in school right now. And I somehow think I'm better. Yeah, that's it tommy. Whatever Pride I had in my self has just been checked into place. There's not anything to be proud of. I'm alone, and depressed all the time. People take everything I say as a joke. My family loves my brothers more than me. i'm the dissappointment. i mean, Will, my oldest brother is having legal troubles and shit. Ok, my mother is fully in his corner because "He's trying to make good" but me, I've been sitting here "making good" for my entire fucking life, but what thanks do I get? I've never done heavy drugs, I don't do light drugs, I never been in jail, never had legal "issues", I donate, voleenteer, help other people out. i'm very compassionate to others and I fight for kids and all. And Will gets all the credit for getting out of trouble. So, good for Will. And all my friends, they get one look at him, and they are all in love with him. Yeah, freaking drug head dickhead is in constant company because he looks like a fucking model. Yeah,whatever. Fine, I hope all those peeps who have been with him are happy now. Good for you Will. And Chris, it's like, he's still with his high school sweetheart and soon, like Shawna, they will be planning a wedding. Goodie. He doesn't call as much anymore either. I guess he's sick of me as well.Having an ogor as a twin brother must be hard. So, I come to think that it's over. I want to end my life. But how? I lived my life big so why not go out big? I had made this plan to off myself in front of the white house with cameras rolling is George Bubbya gets elected again, but no. I don't want to do that. The president isn't a bad person. He's just trying to do what he thinks is right, and to have his family know that they cause yet another young americanto die, would be selffish of me. So, how will I die. I think I should die as I lived in the last year. Alone. But Peacful. Pills. No blood. No dramatic hanging or finding of a body. Just laying in my bed, finally getting the rest I need. Giving my family the rest they need. But, I will get some things in order first. it won't be like a big surpriz or anything. Just simple and sweet. and yeah, people will look at this as a bad thing. It's not. i've served my purpose here. It's time. There was an error in the matrix that had me live past my death date. I think i was meant to die in the car accident, but no. So, yeah, ok, I've written way too much. God bless you al
Current mood: confused
Category: Life
I think too much.
I get scared sometimes. I know. I hear so much about death and then I obsess on it for a whole day. This was one of those days.
I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and I thank the lord everyday for each and every one of them. But damn, they make me think too much. People come up to me because they say I'm smart, I'm philisophical. I'm Wise beyond my years or whatever. It's great, but if you know me you know I have a lot to say. But I tell ya, sometimes I get so bogged down with these questions that make me think.
Religion/God: Beoing a gay christian buddhist has it's challenges, without saying. This is the most difficult issue to try to explain about myself. For a number of years, I had faith in nothing at all. I lost my father, I was dealing with being violated as a child and as a teen. I experienced so much pain that I broke. But what made me come back " to the light" so to speak. All these people tell me that I don't belong. God hates me. Blah blah blah. What made me come back? Have you see love in it's puriest form? I have. Because I love without bounds and sometimes to a fault. For that period in my life when I had no faith in anything, I also had no love for myself, others. I had hate that can never be described into words. I was a void to this world. So what brought me back, and why do I have faith now. I mean, I'vehad a lot of stuff recently happen with me that I could easily be angry and hatful about. Why am I not turning into that hatful person of years past? I can't answer. Yes, I ask why a lot, and you should. And some answers I don't have or get. But I still have that faith in whats to come. How can I convey that to my friends? I feel it's not my place to convey it anyways even If I could. So in return, I just shut down at the whole situation or studder my way thru it until I can get the conversation changed.
LOL. I went on about that and I forgot the other stuff I was going to talk about. Oh well, I'm shooting from the hip now.
I'm very restless. I have so many things going in my mind. I'm the saver recently. From my ex with his alcohol issues to my friend with his suicidal thoughts, I've been stretching myself think with putting out their fires. It's such a gift to have the ability to calm these problems for my friends and don't think for one second I'm upset or don't want to. I know in last post I spoke of looking for ways to get out of spending the night with my ex and help him work out some of the issues going on with him, but I think I was just exhausted. When I was with him, I felt great joy. I mean, I guess the feeling of being needed by someone appeals to me and the ability to actually help a person. I am at my greatest when I am helping other no matter how stretched I am.
Sorry, I'm rather tired and I'm not into typing out my jumbled thoughts but I have to have some sort of outlet. I don't know. I need to stop thinking about this heavy stuff.
Ok, here's some small stuff. ... Um. Well, crap. ok. I finished a short story and a few songs this week. Yay. I have my artistic brain back. I was inspired by a guy who I fell in love with last month. You know who you are. Well, he inspired the short story and one of the songs. The other song was inspired by all my friends. I was going to release them on my website, but yeah, I've not even updated it. It's proving to be harder than I thought. Time is so limited. WOrk takes up 60 hours a week. My friends take up the rest. I have about 10 minutes a week for personal time and since January 20th, when I got time I would write about the romantic weekend I shared with the guy I love. Or should I say loved? I don't know. Another one of those heavy things going on in my head.
I have too big of a heart. I shouldn't, but I do. Ok, listen, this blog was basically about nothing. lol. Sorry. I will post more organized blogs soon. I was just loooking threw some of my blogs of the past. I wanna post one here. Why? I dunno. I just want to damnit.I'll update with a better blog within two weeks. Maybe I'll have my wits about me again by that time. Here's a organized awesome blog from the past. LOL> Love you guys.
<<>><<><><><><<<<>>><<<>>>?<><><><
REPOST BLOG. WARNING I WAS REALLY DE-PRESSED IN THIS POST.
Friday, October 01, 2004 Sucks to be MeHey. I'm major depressed right now. Just, everything and stuff. I had such a horrible day and one one hand I don't even want to talk about it, but I have to because it's my life and I made a promise that I would share and try to reach out to people. but who am I kidding. No one I guess.Well, lets see, where do I begin? i have no friends. None. Well, none who are willing to be my friend when I need it. Dan, you say. No, he's not here. I find out that he's off catering to his ex girlfriend. The one who has cheated on him, dumped him, devalued him. And I try to talk to him about tonight on his phone, and for the first time since we've known each other, he snaps at me and says to mind my own business. But, yeah, I have no business. Shawna. I tried to talk to her, but she goes off and says that I call too much. Well, not exactly, but she made an off beat comment " You call me every 15 minutes anyways." So, whatever. I have such a poor body image and a girl at my stupid job makes a few comments that are just too painful to post here about me. She didn't mean to be hostile, but it hit me. So, yeah, she did that in front of a guys that I really liked and then he laughs and then later I seen them hugging and I think they went somewhere together after work. And she knew that I really really liked him, and yeah. So. She's blonde so she gets anything she wants anyways. So, get home and I cry. Started thinking of Cory. wish I could run to him. Have him hold me, but, no,it's stupid. I think I messed that up. I mean, yeah he stole from me and treated me like shit, but I had some responsibility in that. i outed him in front of his family because I was a jeolous bitter bitch. I hurt him so many times because of my stupid jeolousy. I would try to make him want someone else, and when he started to like them, I would treat him like shit. I was just young and dumb. I don't blame him for lashing back out at me. I'm just so stupid. I used to think I was so smart, but I'm not. I think I'm better than everyone but look at me. People look at me and obviously don't see it that way. I realize that I'm amounting to zero here. I live with my mother, I'm not even in school right now. And I somehow think I'm better. Yeah, that's it tommy. Whatever Pride I had in my self has just been checked into place. There's not anything to be proud of. I'm alone, and depressed all the time. People take everything I say as a joke. My family loves my brothers more than me. i'm the dissappointment. i mean, Will, my oldest brother is having legal troubles and shit. Ok, my mother is fully in his corner because "He's trying to make good" but me, I've been sitting here "making good" for my entire fucking life, but what thanks do I get? I've never done heavy drugs, I don't do light drugs, I never been in jail, never had legal "issues", I donate, voleenteer, help other people out. i'm very compassionate to others and I fight for kids and all. And Will gets all the credit for getting out of trouble. So, good for Will. And all my friends, they get one look at him, and they are all in love with him. Yeah, freaking drug head dickhead is in constant company because he looks like a fucking model. Yeah,whatever. Fine, I hope all those peeps who have been with him are happy now. Good for you Will. And Chris, it's like, he's still with his high school sweetheart and soon, like Shawna, they will be planning a wedding. Goodie. He doesn't call as much anymore either. I guess he's sick of me as well.Having an ogor as a twin brother must be hard. So, I come to think that it's over. I want to end my life. But how? I lived my life big so why not go out big? I had made this plan to off myself in front of the white house with cameras rolling is George Bubbya gets elected again, but no. I don't want to do that. The president isn't a bad person. He's just trying to do what he thinks is right, and to have his family know that they cause yet another young americanto die, would be selffish of me. So, how will I die. I think I should die as I lived in the last year. Alone. But Peacful. Pills. No blood. No dramatic hanging or finding of a body. Just laying in my bed, finally getting the rest I need. Giving my family the rest they need. But, I will get some things in order first. it won't be like a big surpriz or anything. Just simple and sweet. and yeah, people will look at this as a bad thing. It's not. i've served my purpose here. It's time. There was an error in the matrix that had me live past my death date. I think i was meant to die in the car accident, but no. So, yeah, ok, I've written way too much. God bless you al