To Trap a friend
Current mood: guilty
Category: Romance and Relationships
I now speak of my errors. My errors in thought, heart, and in judgement.
I had a friend. A very dear friend in fact. And I, which is typical of me, fell for my friend. Yeash. Stupid. Esspecially since said friend has, um, a life partner. But here I am stupid lonely me trying so hard to balance my feelings and my morals. What on earth was I thinking? Lusting and loving someone who belongs to another. Another that I also consider a friend of mine. What was I thinking? It ate at me night after night. It only got better when an enemy from High school got in contact with me an reminded me of a situation.
It was high school. I was planning my death. No suicide or anything. But, I was planning to not be around much longer. And I had a friend by te name of Andrew. Him and I were closer than any two "friends" should be. He would tell me stories about his life, and I would share the most intimate details of mine. We grew closer with each passing day. Then he broke my heart by taking a girlfriend. We'll just call her Dixie. Dixie was a lovely girl from what I seen and it would be so stupid for Andrew to not get involved with her. But, in doing so, he broke my heart and I let him know it. But as time went on, I continued to persue him, eventhough I know he was with her. And Dixie knew that I was totally entranced by Andrew so she did all she could to keep us seperated. Now, in my mind, I blamed her. I hated her even. "How dare she try to keep me away from him" I said to myself. And that gave me the reason to persue him even more. Finally I got him to move our fiendship from Platonic to , well, not. Manipulating his mind. Trapping him. I used the excuse that I was going to be dieing soon nd I really loved him and he was the only reason I even stay on this earth and if he was to be only commited to her, I would leave this earth promptly. It worked. it got him to kiss me. Of course he did take it back after it happened. But, the point was, it happened. And m riding in on my victory horse took it to her as soon as posible. It made me happy to see the anger and the hurt in her perfect blue eyes. So they had a lot of problems and finally they broke up. But it was not to me that Andrew cme running like I hoped, but to someone else.
So, back to the present, Dixie (Through the miricle of Myspace) got in contact with me. I've changed a lot since high school. And I swear to you, it's the biggest change in a person you've ever seen. But Dixie didn't see it. She came o test that theory. She spoke with me with the greatest of spite and anger in her words and I continued to say that I had changed, but Dixie actually got me to ralized that I hadn't changed. I still blamed her, in actuality, for Andrew and I not being together. But I listened to her. She speaks of the harm she would do to herself in order to get attention from the guy who had made a commitment to her already. Attention that was split with me. I didn't really see her side of the whole situation. But, the new me started to see it.
All this time, I had blamed her for not ust letting go of a guy she was in love with and who made a commitment to be with her. All this time I was so caught up in what I wanted and what dreams I had, that I totally dismissed what she had wanted, what she had obtained, and what she was trying to hold on to. I come to realize that I was the wrong one here. I was no more than that theift who robs a store and shoots the shop owner just to support his habit. I was no more than trash.
I felt so bad for months just by hearing her story of what she was going thru at that time. I started to realize the wickiness in my heart and I felt shame like I've not felt it. Then I started to see how it related to my current situations. My friend I mentioned before. I was putting a trap for him as well.
The names had changed, and the reasons had been altered, but it was the same story. A girl was going to get hurt and I was going to end up alone and hurt. I was laying the groundwork to another wrecked reltionship because of my selfish desires and wants. That is truly wicked of me.
I came to realize that some divine force had brought Dixie to my myspace at that time in my life where the evilness that possessed my mind in High school was making a subtle return. Whatever it was, I was eternally greatful for it. So, it came to be that the ground work of guilting the present friend into a relationship with me had already been laid. I stoped dead in my tracks and I devised a plan. I said to myself no one is going to suffer for my own personal wants. it goes against who I am now and this is a new challenge I will not fail.
I went up to my present friend and I told him to look me in the eye and tell me the words I needed to hear. Either he wanted to be with me or her wanted to be with her. In my mind, I already had that if he were to say he wanted to be with me, I would stop being his friend and I would put as much distance between us as possible. He looked me in the eye, and to my relief he said that She is the one he loved and that he wants to be my friend, but he could never love me like he does her. I was hurt, but more so I was overjoyed. These two people were saved. The few months I was building up a way to bring him from her arms to mine. They all vanished and I couldn't have been more happy to wipe them away. And I couldn't have been more proud my my dear friend who I fell for those few months ago.
So, as I write this, I'm also writtig to Dixie, telling her of th lesson she has taught me. I know that this doesn't make up for any of that crap I put her through, and it would take a lifetime for me to ever make up for the crap I did. But I hope in time that she will see how I've changed AND how I am continuing to change even today to better myself and this world. I would rather suffer a hundred losses for a fellow humans gain.
A homewrecker is a lable that could be placed on me. But as I move on through this journey, I've learned that a homewrecker is not what I'll be. But what am I to be? Just lonely old me? What then, is and will be my destiny. Like most things with this journey,I'll just have to wait and see.
The next blog will be about another trap I have set, but it's very different and it's very current and very hard to undo.
Current mood: guilty
Category: Romance and Relationships
I now speak of my errors. My errors in thought, heart, and in judgement.
I had a friend. A very dear friend in fact. And I, which is typical of me, fell for my friend. Yeash. Stupid. Esspecially since said friend has, um, a life partner. But here I am stupid lonely me trying so hard to balance my feelings and my morals. What on earth was I thinking? Lusting and loving someone who belongs to another. Another that I also consider a friend of mine. What was I thinking? It ate at me night after night. It only got better when an enemy from High school got in contact with me an reminded me of a situation.
It was high school. I was planning my death. No suicide or anything. But, I was planning to not be around much longer. And I had a friend by te name of Andrew. Him and I were closer than any two "friends" should be. He would tell me stories about his life, and I would share the most intimate details of mine. We grew closer with each passing day. Then he broke my heart by taking a girlfriend. We'll just call her Dixie. Dixie was a lovely girl from what I seen and it would be so stupid for Andrew to not get involved with her. But, in doing so, he broke my heart and I let him know it. But as time went on, I continued to persue him, eventhough I know he was with her. And Dixie knew that I was totally entranced by Andrew so she did all she could to keep us seperated. Now, in my mind, I blamed her. I hated her even. "How dare she try to keep me away from him" I said to myself. And that gave me the reason to persue him even more. Finally I got him to move our fiendship from Platonic to , well, not. Manipulating his mind. Trapping him. I used the excuse that I was going to be dieing soon nd I really loved him and he was the only reason I even stay on this earth and if he was to be only commited to her, I would leave this earth promptly. It worked. it got him to kiss me. Of course he did take it back after it happened. But, the point was, it happened. And m riding in on my victory horse took it to her as soon as posible. It made me happy to see the anger and the hurt in her perfect blue eyes. So they had a lot of problems and finally they broke up. But it was not to me that Andrew cme running like I hoped, but to someone else.
So, back to the present, Dixie (Through the miricle of Myspace) got in contact with me. I've changed a lot since high school. And I swear to you, it's the biggest change in a person you've ever seen. But Dixie didn't see it. She came o test that theory. She spoke with me with the greatest of spite and anger in her words and I continued to say that I had changed, but Dixie actually got me to ralized that I hadn't changed. I still blamed her, in actuality, for Andrew and I not being together. But I listened to her. She speaks of the harm she would do to herself in order to get attention from the guy who had made a commitment to her already. Attention that was split with me. I didn't really see her side of the whole situation. But, the new me started to see it.
All this time, I had blamed her for not ust letting go of a guy she was in love with and who made a commitment to be with her. All this time I was so caught up in what I wanted and what dreams I had, that I totally dismissed what she had wanted, what she had obtained, and what she was trying to hold on to. I come to realize that I was the wrong one here. I was no more than that theift who robs a store and shoots the shop owner just to support his habit. I was no more than trash.
I felt so bad for months just by hearing her story of what she was going thru at that time. I started to realize the wickiness in my heart and I felt shame like I've not felt it. Then I started to see how it related to my current situations. My friend I mentioned before. I was putting a trap for him as well.
The names had changed, and the reasons had been altered, but it was the same story. A girl was going to get hurt and I was going to end up alone and hurt. I was laying the groundwork to another wrecked reltionship because of my selfish desires and wants. That is truly wicked of me.
I came to realize that some divine force had brought Dixie to my myspace at that time in my life where the evilness that possessed my mind in High school was making a subtle return. Whatever it was, I was eternally greatful for it. So, it came to be that the ground work of guilting the present friend into a relationship with me had already been laid. I stoped dead in my tracks and I devised a plan. I said to myself no one is going to suffer for my own personal wants. it goes against who I am now and this is a new challenge I will not fail.
I went up to my present friend and I told him to look me in the eye and tell me the words I needed to hear. Either he wanted to be with me or her wanted to be with her. In my mind, I already had that if he were to say he wanted to be with me, I would stop being his friend and I would put as much distance between us as possible. He looked me in the eye, and to my relief he said that She is the one he loved and that he wants to be my friend, but he could never love me like he does her. I was hurt, but more so I was overjoyed. These two people were saved. The few months I was building up a way to bring him from her arms to mine. They all vanished and I couldn't have been more happy to wipe them away. And I couldn't have been more proud my my dear friend who I fell for those few months ago.
So, as I write this, I'm also writtig to Dixie, telling her of th lesson she has taught me. I know that this doesn't make up for any of that crap I put her through, and it would take a lifetime for me to ever make up for the crap I did. But I hope in time that she will see how I've changed AND how I am continuing to change even today to better myself and this world. I would rather suffer a hundred losses for a fellow humans gain.
A homewrecker is a lable that could be placed on me. But as I move on through this journey, I've learned that a homewrecker is not what I'll be. But what am I to be? Just lonely old me? What then, is and will be my destiny. Like most things with this journey,I'll just have to wait and see.
The next blog will be about another trap I have set, but it's very different and it's very current and very hard to undo.