Self Esteem -- the other white meat
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Life
Issues with my self perception have been around since I was a kid. And I try to overcompensate for it when I'm hving my good life days, but when it comes crashing down, so does my self esteem.
Quite recently, I entered into a situation that I'm not very proud of. It's an extention on my act of trapping a friend. Different guy now, and a different trap. Meet Kenny. A very smart guy with opinions out the ass. Not literally of course. He's a republican but yet he's centerlized. He sings, he thinks, and yes he's a heart stealer.
I noticed I was falling for him within a week. And within that week, things progressed raher quickly for me. He calls it rebound. I call it knowing a good thing when I see it. He has always, from the beginning, told me that he would end up hurting me. And, yes, he did. But it wasn't his fault. It wasn't hi fault at all.
Kenny is straight. And when I hear that, I think of all the guys in my past that said they were straight. People like Cory and Josh and ect. Lets just say i've always felt I had that special thing that could make a straight guy fall in love with me. And it's been true up to this point. I continued to persue Kenny relentlessly. He is everything that I've been looking for all these years. He's very funny. Loud, but funny. When we would go out (which for a while was on a nightly basis) he would tell all my personal business but in a hilarious way. No one embarrasses me in public like he does. He has opinions on things and never ever has a problem with sharing is point of view. He's political, he's religious, he's musical, he's intellegent, he's funny, and he's so caring about other people. Compassion! So what a fool I'd be not to persue. But, from the beginning he told me no but I had a trap to set.
We spent a lot of time together and it was, to me, a normal relationship. Courting one another. Sharing moments and details about one another. All the while I contantly beraided him with my attraction and my eventual affections for him. I knew this would trap him because I learned of him. I got that he would be troubled by constantly saying now and everytime he did say no, I would use my back pocket tool; Guilt. Everytime he would turn me down I would get sad, yes. But what I displayed to him was much more than that. I exaggerated the sadness and in my mind, I would plan the next day. During all this, I did not notice that I was not only hurting him, but myself as well. Finally, one night, I got some "satifaction" with all the work and effort I put into this trap. We became engaged in adult activity----sorta. Details withheld of course. But we were more than just friends. I had wore him down to the point to where he just wanted to give me something just to keep me from being sad again. I don't know exactly what was in his mind, though. I do know that after that night, I ook a long look at what was happening. I felt sick. Yes, he is single so it's different than my other trap. But, it was wrong of me. To try so hard to change a person. I reflected on this a while, and it literally made me sick. To play with this outstanding man. This an that, yes, I was starting to fall hard for. What was I thinking? I was in the same frame of mind that those people have when they say " Oh, I can change that faggot into a 'man' "
My heart ached with shame. What a shameful 6 months it had been. Start off trying to trap a guy who has a very loving relationship with another friend of mine. Then Trying to change a guy into something he doesn't want to be. I do a lot of reflecting and soul searching in my life. Because I'm really at a point in my life where I'm trying to discovery who I am and who I truly want to be.
So, I wrote all this in a letter to Kenny and I've given it to him with 1,000,000 appoligies. My only hope is to remain friends with this wonderful person. Its not what I deserve, but I'm hoping that .
Throughout it all, my self esteem issues have been bad. I am not setting a good example for all my neices and nephews right now and I'm sorry. I went quite a few days without eating. I've went a few days where I would do exercises for hours upon hours with the aid of energy pills, energy drinks, etc. I would look in the mirror and get upset. I would sometimes cry. Pick apart every litttle detail of that refletion without taking into account the heart that beats within.
I've come to the reasoning that these guys just don't want me. In my youth, it was easy. Meet a guy, trap a guy, cut the guy loose. But as I get older, that ugliness that I showed years and pounds ago are starting to show on my physical being. It sadens me to the point where I think negative. And how does one go about solving this? Without self esteem, what can I be? As I age, I'm not doing it with grae and dignity as I had planned since my reception into manhood. I've acknowledged my demons. My skelatons. My faults. And now what?
I've got a lot of thinking to do, I know.I've not given up yet. I see the person I can be. But it's not clear how I'm to become him. I shall try. I shall never ive up. I'm not the first to go thru al this stuff, nor will I be the last.
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Life
Issues with my self perception have been around since I was a kid. And I try to overcompensate for it when I'm hving my good life days, but when it comes crashing down, so does my self esteem.
Quite recently, I entered into a situation that I'm not very proud of. It's an extention on my act of trapping a friend. Different guy now, and a different trap. Meet Kenny. A very smart guy with opinions out the ass. Not literally of course. He's a republican but yet he's centerlized. He sings, he thinks, and yes he's a heart stealer.
I noticed I was falling for him within a week. And within that week, things progressed raher quickly for me. He calls it rebound. I call it knowing a good thing when I see it. He has always, from the beginning, told me that he would end up hurting me. And, yes, he did. But it wasn't his fault. It wasn't hi fault at all.
Kenny is straight. And when I hear that, I think of all the guys in my past that said they were straight. People like Cory and Josh and ect. Lets just say i've always felt I had that special thing that could make a straight guy fall in love with me. And it's been true up to this point. I continued to persue Kenny relentlessly. He is everything that I've been looking for all these years. He's very funny. Loud, but funny. When we would go out (which for a while was on a nightly basis) he would tell all my personal business but in a hilarious way. No one embarrasses me in public like he does. He has opinions on things and never ever has a problem with sharing is point of view. He's political, he's religious, he's musical, he's intellegent, he's funny, and he's so caring about other people. Compassion! So what a fool I'd be not to persue. But, from the beginning he told me no but I had a trap to set.
We spent a lot of time together and it was, to me, a normal relationship. Courting one another. Sharing moments and details about one another. All the while I contantly beraided him with my attraction and my eventual affections for him. I knew this would trap him because I learned of him. I got that he would be troubled by constantly saying now and everytime he did say no, I would use my back pocket tool; Guilt. Everytime he would turn me down I would get sad, yes. But what I displayed to him was much more than that. I exaggerated the sadness and in my mind, I would plan the next day. During all this, I did not notice that I was not only hurting him, but myself as well. Finally, one night, I got some "satifaction" with all the work and effort I put into this trap. We became engaged in adult activity----sorta. Details withheld of course. But we were more than just friends. I had wore him down to the point to where he just wanted to give me something just to keep me from being sad again. I don't know exactly what was in his mind, though. I do know that after that night, I ook a long look at what was happening. I felt sick. Yes, he is single so it's different than my other trap. But, it was wrong of me. To try so hard to change a person. I reflected on this a while, and it literally made me sick. To play with this outstanding man. This an that, yes, I was starting to fall hard for. What was I thinking? I was in the same frame of mind that those people have when they say " Oh, I can change that faggot into a 'man' "
My heart ached with shame. What a shameful 6 months it had been. Start off trying to trap a guy who has a very loving relationship with another friend of mine. Then Trying to change a guy into something he doesn't want to be. I do a lot of reflecting and soul searching in my life. Because I'm really at a point in my life where I'm trying to discovery who I am and who I truly want to be.
So, I wrote all this in a letter to Kenny and I've given it to him with 1,000,000 appoligies. My only hope is to remain friends with this wonderful person. Its not what I deserve, but I'm hoping that .
Throughout it all, my self esteem issues have been bad. I am not setting a good example for all my neices and nephews right now and I'm sorry. I went quite a few days without eating. I've went a few days where I would do exercises for hours upon hours with the aid of energy pills, energy drinks, etc. I would look in the mirror and get upset. I would sometimes cry. Pick apart every litttle detail of that refletion without taking into account the heart that beats within.
I've come to the reasoning that these guys just don't want me. In my youth, it was easy. Meet a guy, trap a guy, cut the guy loose. But as I get older, that ugliness that I showed years and pounds ago are starting to show on my physical being. It sadens me to the point where I think negative. And how does one go about solving this? Without self esteem, what can I be? As I age, I'm not doing it with grae and dignity as I had planned since my reception into manhood. I've acknowledged my demons. My skelatons. My faults. And now what?
I've got a lot of thinking to do, I know.I've not given up yet. I see the person I can be. But it's not clear how I'm to become him. I shall try. I shall never ive up. I'm not the first to go thru al this stuff, nor will I be the last.