It was an impulse thing. For weeks before my grand gesture of driving to North Carolina I was having pretty much a mental break down. A very grim dentist appointment, loneliness , attachment to things that could never be mine, weight gain, the pressure of business, taking care of an elderly paRant. At one point I just stood in the middle of a room not know where to go literally and figuratively . All of a sudden an opportunity popped up for me to go and I did.
Anyone who knows me know I'm not an impulsive person but I just had to do this. To clear my head, to refocus myself.
I can get into the details on the trip at a later time. I want with this entry to focus on a single aspect. The thoughts that came to me while driving through the great mountains of this United States and the feelings .
I looked out onto the greatness of this land and the beauty it possess and I thought of some things. Deep things. I have not done a 23 and me or an ansestory dot com thing yet but I know I'm a couple of things. My birth father side is filled with african and african-american DNA. My mom side however though the majority of the blood runs african african-american my grandmother was in fact at least 25% native american. I do not know the exact percentage nor the tribe but if you've seen my grandma you can absolutely see it in her facial structure and her light skin.
As I travel though the mountains on this trip which was the very first road trip I took by myself, my mind went places. I thought of my enslaved ancestors, and my native ancestors who were so mistreated as well. I began to imagine the hardships they all must have faced and all for this America. But I did not have a filling of anger or sadness but this profound pleasure. This profound feeling of what they went through while in this beautiful land that look and see belongs to me. It somehow was a gift passed down to me from all of them. From the enslaved who worked to build this great nation, to the natives who took such an appreciation to this land of beautiful before it was "discovered", to all the Europeans and other caucasians who allied and help also to build this nation.
I began to think how on this trip I am learning to look back with pride and thought if all the people who've made it possible for me to take this drive and embark on the beauty of my great land here in 2020. How all these ancestors did what they did to survive and make possible the way for me.
It is empowering to say the least to take ownership of this land. I did as I traveled through those mountains. There are great grand things I have done, am doing, and will continue to do so that when I'm called home to the great beyond to reunite and to meet these ancestors of mine, I will have great stories to tell and how their survival helped bring all of it along.
Like my native ancestors, I have this great thing inside if me to just scream that this land is beautiful. It does not belong to no one, but to all. I speak the words of my people when I say it may be so that we were here first, or we did most the work to build and maintain it, or there was so much sacrifice in being here, but this land which some would say belongs to us, it's nothing without the ability and power to share with with all.
This land is your land, this land is my land. This land was made for YOU and ME .
No racist, no "settler", no owner shall ever make me feel as if I do not belong and I'm am not American. I have OG American blood running in these veins and a great deal of Builders blood in them. I am American.
In other news:
- There is do much I need to do to learn about my ancestors. I crave to know now.
- I felt the change . The next update will be about it.
- McDonald's spicy nuggets are delicious.
- Last i heard church will be coming back in person soon yet limited. Yay.