I have many questions to which I do not have answers.
What am I doing here is a big one. To be quite honest I do not want to be here. This is an entry about a boy that I love, have loved , and am cursed to forever love.
This boy has been the love of my life. More than my husband i sometimes fictionalize to be more of a connection for me than is reality. More than my ex fiance who was able to distract me momentarily from my love for this boy. More so than any lover I've ever had in my life.
It's always come back to him. And I sit so often thinking if him. About 4 years ago I removed him from my life as much as I could. Took him fro. My social media pages, removed his number from my phone. But my soul and heart know I can not erase him. The memories of hours long conversations when i hate talking on the phone. But with him i did it with joy. The references and conversations that only him and I get. The closeness . The bond of our hearts.
I've only speak openly to my best friend Jim about my love for this boy. For so long Jim has told me truth. How the feelings o have may be so one sided. Maybe it is so. But I know my heart can never be changed. I've done all l I could to distance myself from him. It's like some force that keeps saying Tommy you are wrong. You belong with him.
I sat so patiently for so many years awaiting the right time. That right time came, and he did not turn to me. I was so crushed. I never recovered from that.
I think of how unfair I was to my ex fiance. The night I got engaged I told the man that I loved that was not my fiance these words and I know I'm a low dirty piece of shit for doing it. I said " You know, if you tell me to, I will call it off with Michael. You are the only one that can tell me to do so".
The response was not a yes or a no from him. It was one of the few times where he didn't communicate to me what he was feeling.
So I took it as a " Be happy with Michael" and I honestly gave up thinking of the boy i loved for so long. I was determined to be happy with michael. But if you didnt know, michael ended the engagement after 5 months. When that happened I sunk back into trying to cling to the boy I have loved knowing full well I couldn't be with him either.
I resolved all that though and kicked the boy I loved for so long out of my life . Said I would never look back.
I tried but recently it's like something has been edging me there again. I'm extraordinarily lonely which could be the base cause. At this point I do not wish to be in this world where I can not be with the boy I have loved for so long. I hate my heart so much and I'm disgusted by it.
How can I love so much a boy who has said that he couldnt find me attractive even if he tried in an indirect way. But how could I not love a boy who has proven that he does in fact love me by trying so hard to be my hero when I was in danger. The boy who speaks of me and says that his life at one point wouldn't be worth living without me in it.
Why is there so much duplicity in this situation?. Why can I not live again? One starts to think it's my own fault. To be so stupid to fall for someone who doesnt see me the same. It's been my MO for my entire life. I fall for the ones that will never have me. The couple times i did get lucky, they left me at the peak of things.
Just cant sleep with all the thoughts tonight. Wanted to see if I got words out maybe I could work it out. But it has only succeeded you me crying like a pathetic little bitch and hoping I parish in this night. I'm not strong. I'm just pretending and focusing on stuff that that matter in the long run.