Life moves on without them।
Current mood: discontent
Category: Life
It's funny, a few months ago, things were looking so up. I had a wonderful boyfriend with whom I envisioned a future filled with happiness, and love, and yes challenges, but nothing we couldn't overcome. I had a grandmother that I could call and try to overcome my rare moments when I lacked faith. She comforted and counseled me until I could see the light again. A few months ago, I knew who I was and where I was going and I would be damn if anyone was going to stop me..... But God had other plans. Though, not mine to understand, God decided the path I was on needed to be altered. I lost my relationship. I thought it would last, but Matthew had other plans. I lost my grandmother. I knew she wouldn't last, but I started to feel that maybe.... just maybe. It was her time though. She spent her life serving the Lord and she needed to rest, and that she did. It's on Sundays such as this where I would walk out of church and the first thing I would do is call her and talk to her about the sermon and just life in general. I'm still able to talk, but her response if much more foggy now. Nothing I see in my head can conjure up an adequate response that would justify her. She always knew what to say to comfort my soul. The thought of me actually being able to conjure up a phrase she "might say" in response to whatever I'm saying falls short. But I do carry on, and I do not turn from talking with her. I carry on for my nieces and nephews who are growing so much. They continue to amaze me. Just the other day, Mason, my nephew was walking around my house, and I'm just filled with such joy at an action we all take for granted in everyday life. The beauty of a child in the first stages of the walking life. I carry on. I carry one with the thought that maybe it will be so that "The one" is still out there. In the few weeks after my heart was broken, I'd resolve to never let anyone hurt me like that again. I withdrew, like the typical child that has been hurt. I beat up on myself; Even to the point of returning to a dangerous habit I had as a teen to compensate for the pain. I wage war against myself because it's easier to accept hurting yourself than allowing someone else to do it. Have I totally overcome these "issues", no. But I sit and I think and I pray and I know I can continue on. Harder as it may be, I can continue on. I gave forgiveness today. My heart couldn't hold on to the anger it had. I knew it was the first step to my recovery. Forgiving Matthew. It came easier to me than I expected. It's no longer about being mad, or wondering why why why. It's about what now. Do I curl up in a ball and go away yet again to my world of depression and shame. A portion of me sometimes still creeps out that is in that place, but I am finding it rather easy to slay him and put him back. I'm not a perfect man. I can not say that everything is sunny all the time. I can only say that I carry on. Stronger, yes. The same as before, no. Some random guy last week told me I was beautiful. I didn't thank him. I ignored him. I regret that so much. So rare is the compliment, but when it stares me in the face, I shun it. I don't give it value for I don't feel it myself. I know my faults. I understand them. But am I able to deal with such things, I'm not sure yet. That backbone of support Grandma Gene gave me, it's not something I can rely heavily on. Unsure of who to turn to in those dark times, I carry on. I hope and I pray, and I love. What I need, I know the Lord will provide. I will try hard to remember this and to continue to grow. Thank you for reading, and God Bless you and everyone who's in particular need of it.
Currently reading:Last SummerBy Michael Thomas Ford