Subject: Forgive me father, For I have sinned
Mood: Angry
Music: Lonely Day by System of a Down
I swear, i need to check myself into a clinic to get some much needed rest. This is a vent post but it's a crazy post, and an ana post and a, I dunno. It's going to be all over the map, ali with my emotional state.
Forgive me father, for I've committed a deadly sin. A sin I've repeated A LOT recently. Envy. It's wrong of me and I do realize it when I commit it. But, it keeps rearing it's ugly head in a couple different ways. Confusing ways. I will elabo on a couple. Take for instance, the shocker of a lifetime. I've been speaking with this lady of about 30 years. I've grown pretty attached to her. I usually stop by her place of business, a gas station not to far from my home, and we usually spend about 30 minutes a night speaking to one another when I get off work. Recently, a guy has been talking with her as well. She had been speaking of him. And the last couple of times I've stopped in to the gas station to chat, he's been there. He's a handsome tall guy and yeah. So, I've not really been having the chats that i'd like to have with Rhonda, the gas lady, because he's been there and he's always all over her. The shocker? Well, I'm envious of HIM. Yes. I find myself disliking him touching her, for I wish to touch her myself. I told her I was gay a long time ago and she doesn't even suspect that i feel this way. Fuck, I wouldn't even think that I felt this way. But, I don't know. I found myself the night before last driving off angry and saying stuff in my head. " Pretty boy gets her" "All of them are the same" "He'll just fuck her and leave her." . WTF? Why am I thinking like that? I'm not the least bit jea of her. I don't wish to have anything with the guy. I don't know.
Alpha, a friend of mine, recently had a baby boy. Congrats. So, I've been rather, um, lets just say busy. I want to get up there to see Alpha and the baby and bring them a little something. Well, I couldn't really get up there. His wife had the baby Friday. And until today, I didn't have time to make it out there. So, I thought I would go out there when they were taking the little one home Tomorrow. I get up there tonight, after purchasing a nice box of cigars, some balloons and some cute little baby shoes/booties. I get there, and Randall (a co worker I dislike strongly and another friend of Alpha) was there with balloon and an outfit for Alpha and an outfit for the baby that was personalized with Alpha's "catchphrase" (Wrap N Go) . Well, I don't know. Something snapped in my crazy brain. I left my gifts in the car anyways, and I was talking with Alpha and he basically was so appreciative to Randall and Randall's girlfriend, Jessie that he was to the point of having an emotion outburst. And went on and on about how the stuff they gave him was great. And Randall was sitting there with his stupid grin on his stupid face. I didn't give Alpha what I had for him. It's still sitting in my car. I feel so stupid and so angry right now. I don't know why.
Remember how I said I needed to keep my friends closer. Well, the best friend I have right now, Brandine, is going thru a lot of shit. So, we talk almost everyday. Then, all of a sudden she left a voice mail on my cell stating it was very important to get back in contact with her. Well, I tried, but I couldn't use the number that she called from because she wasn't there. Then, i didn't hear from her for a week. i'm worried shitless at this point. I'm crying. I'm going to her myspace and emailing peeps on her friends list that don't know me from Adam. I'm thinking she's dead, or she was calling for me to come help her and I didn't get to the phone on time. I stayed up waiting for my phone to ring and all that. Then, the other day she came up to my job with her kids to let me know everything was alright. One of the friend's on her list got in contact with her. So, my emotions were settled when she walked in. i wanted to just start bursting out crying (like I am now) but I couldn't there because I had a store to run and yadda. So, she's safe and I thanked the friend that got her to get in contact with me so much. I don't know.
So, there are many other things I'm going thru right now and I honestly can feel a nervous break down comingand I'm trying to medi more and trying to relax but I think I'm getting worse.
I turned to my drinking again. I drank one night and I was continuously trying to get with this guy that I've known for some time. So, he kept refusing and I kept on until the point where he actually left in anger. Then I went thru a period of self loathing and then. stupidity.
I need a time out. I need something.
PS. AOL spellcheck sucks. It chops off the words to where it looks like I'm retarded when the post is posted. Ugh. Too tired to go over it again.
Written by thomasdimera
Mood: Angry
Music: Lonely Day by System of a Down
I swear, i need to check myself into a clinic to get some much needed rest. This is a vent post but it's a crazy post, and an ana post and a, I dunno. It's going to be all over the map, ali with my emotional state.
Forgive me father, for I've committed a deadly sin. A sin I've repeated A LOT recently. Envy. It's wrong of me and I do realize it when I commit it. But, it keeps rearing it's ugly head in a couple different ways. Confusing ways. I will elabo on a couple. Take for instance, the shocker of a lifetime. I've been speaking with this lady of about 30 years. I've grown pretty attached to her. I usually stop by her place of business, a gas station not to far from my home, and we usually spend about 30 minutes a night speaking to one another when I get off work. Recently, a guy has been talking with her as well. She had been speaking of him. And the last couple of times I've stopped in to the gas station to chat, he's been there. He's a handsome tall guy and yeah. So, I've not really been having the chats that i'd like to have with Rhonda, the gas lady, because he's been there and he's always all over her. The shocker? Well, I'm envious of HIM. Yes. I find myself disliking him touching her, for I wish to touch her myself. I told her I was gay a long time ago and she doesn't even suspect that i feel this way. Fuck, I wouldn't even think that I felt this way. But, I don't know. I found myself the night before last driving off angry and saying stuff in my head. " Pretty boy gets her" "All of them are the same" "He'll just fuck her and leave her." . WTF? Why am I thinking like that? I'm not the least bit jea of her. I don't wish to have anything with the guy. I don't know.
Alpha, a friend of mine, recently had a baby boy. Congrats. So, I've been rather, um, lets just say busy. I want to get up there to see Alpha and the baby and bring them a little something. Well, I couldn't really get up there. His wife had the baby Friday. And until today, I didn't have time to make it out there. So, I thought I would go out there when they were taking the little one home Tomorrow. I get up there tonight, after purchasing a nice box of cigars, some balloons and some cute little baby shoes/booties. I get there, and Randall (a co worker I dislike strongly and another friend of Alpha) was there with balloon and an outfit for Alpha and an outfit for the baby that was personalized with Alpha's "catchphrase" (Wrap N Go) . Well, I don't know. Something snapped in my crazy brain. I left my gifts in the car anyways, and I was talking with Alpha and he basically was so appreciative to Randall and Randall's girlfriend, Jessie that he was to the point of having an emotion outburst. And went on and on about how the stuff they gave him was great. And Randall was sitting there with his stupid grin on his stupid face. I didn't give Alpha what I had for him. It's still sitting in my car. I feel so stupid and so angry right now. I don't know why.
Remember how I said I needed to keep my friends closer. Well, the best friend I have right now, Brandine, is going thru a lot of shit. So, we talk almost everyday. Then, all of a sudden she left a voice mail on my cell stating it was very important to get back in contact with her. Well, I tried, but I couldn't use the number that she called from because she wasn't there. Then, i didn't hear from her for a week. i'm worried shitless at this point. I'm crying. I'm going to her myspace and emailing peeps on her friends list that don't know me from Adam. I'm thinking she's dead, or she was calling for me to come help her and I didn't get to the phone on time. I stayed up waiting for my phone to ring and all that. Then, the other day she came up to my job with her kids to let me know everything was alright. One of the friend's on her list got in contact with her. So, my emotions were settled when she walked in. i wanted to just start bursting out crying (like I am now) but I couldn't there because I had a store to run and yadda. So, she's safe and I thanked the friend that got her to get in contact with me so much. I don't know.
So, there are many other things I'm going thru right now and I honestly can feel a nervous break down comingand I'm trying to medi more and trying to relax but I think I'm getting worse.
I turned to my drinking again. I drank one night and I was continuously trying to get with this guy that I've known for some time. So, he kept refusing and I kept on until the point where he actually left in anger. Then I went thru a period of self loathing and then. stupidity.
I need a time out. I need something.
PS. AOL spellcheck sucks. It chops off the words to where it looks like I'm retarded when the post is posted. Ugh. Too tired to go over it again.
Written by thomasdimera