Let's back track to my trip to North Carolina. After nearly loosing my entire self I set out to discover and do something different. I was so tired and so alone. While down in North Carolina I redownload one of those gay chat apps because I was bored . Needless to say horny as well, but that's just my entire being. Btw, when they tell you that your sex drive does down as you get older, they're a damn lie. I've never felt as sexually driven as I am now. Ever.
Back ti the point, I was feeling all kind of things while trying to figure out what exactly I need to help myself. One experiment was to just stop beating up in myself and not put sexuality on such a high pedestal. I started with thinking that sex was special and reserved for when you meet that special someone and then you open up and then bam. Never been one of the casual sex scene. But my mind at the time was I am never going to find that someone so no use in being sexually frustrated waiting for something that will never happen for me. So I actually just said I will be bold and do it.
I met up with someone down there, took all precautions and did something I've only with 4 other people in my life.
It was what it was. He last 7 minutes and he was on his way. But it mark a significant change with me. It was not what was missing. I tried it. I was scared the whole time. Then it was over and I was not satisfied.
So I made a point of just saying no more of that. Spent the rest of my time really focusing on how to fix this.
I get rather tired of well meaning people saying shit like it will happen. Give it time. Itll happen when you're not looking. I swear when I'm laying in my coffin someone will approach the body and say "it can still happen. Just a matter of time".
Fast forward to me coming back to Indy with a new mindset on a lot of things. On my love life, I had one thought. It will not happen for me. At one point it was the most important thing for me. But now it was just a sign my absolute stupidity and weakness. Even with this train of thought I was still so lonely. I didnt want to try the casual stuff and I didnt want to try the traditional dating stuff that never works out for me. So a friend of mine who I've talked to for a while asked me about long distance dating. I know i know. Horrible terrible blah blah blah. But that's what I've gotten with the traditional crap. I figured I might as well give it a try. So him and I are now "dating". You know i hate given people actual name here where i share so much. For now all anyone knows about him is he is a scorpio so i call him Scorpio.
We spend quite some time on video chat and phone calls. We are getting to know one another. We are very open with each other. We ask each other pretty crazy questions. Lol. I like him.
And then there was last night. Okay, seems dramatic and all but whatever. So I had a dream about my friend Katie who died . We were at church and I saw a lady facing away and I said God I miss katie. Then she turns around and I see it here and she says I miss you too honey. Then we hugged and I cried. So all of a sudden i was crying in a mirror somewhere and all of a sudden an ex co worker I shall name him Dave, comes up from behind. He wraps his arms around me and says " Tommy we arent still beefing are we. " I was so just happy . I turned around and he started hugging and kissing me and say he loved me all along and started to pull down my underwear as he complimented my body which IRL I never get and in this dream it just made me burst out in tears and we started to make love then I woke up . Real tears running down my cheeks
Now I must preference by saying yes I was once very attracted to Dave. At one point we were the only two gay guys at my job and everyone was so trying to put us together. But I was never his type ( as I am really no gay mans type but that's besides the point). So the whole romantical side of our friendship never progressed. I dont force the issue . Of someone doesnt want me I dont keep fighting for it. How did I know he didnt? Well i will get back to that in the next paragraph. But anyways i woke up confused as to why this dream was so intense and so vivid and specific and why i remembered it so well. Most dont do that. I know I've been thinking about him recently but not in any romantical ways. I just see some of his post of fb , and when i logged in on my gay chat app i saw him (the first result being that he was less than 800 ft away. His mom lives around here and he must be visiting), and he seems to pop up a lot in conversations I used to have with another friend Makayla who also passed away. But I dont know.
So I go about my day just an emotional wreck because of whatever then I started to think of an incident that happened between Dave and I. It was when he first started working there, and i was on my break. We were talking and i said something about how i love having attractive people to work with. Sorta flirting in my very odd and stupid way I do it. Later that day on his facebook he posted about the incident with an underlined sentence " Creepy but Flattered". Then it didnt affect me at all. It was funny to me. In fact it's been a running joke in our friendship over the years. But today for some unknown friggen reason I was crying for 15 minutes straight. What the actual eff Tommy?!?!?
I dont know what to say about it. Why all this stuff when I'm getting closer to Scorpio. I've not talked to Scorpio all day being he is working a 12 hour. But we are supposed to talk at 11 . Do I tell him? I think since we have been totally honest with one another I have to. But how do I explain something I dont understand myself?
Ugh, I tell you I got so friggen depressed today . I'm glad I had my mom to take care of because I needed a distraction. If I didnt have that I would have thought about just being done with it. I hate things out of my control, I hate being so low on self esteem. I hate all this sometimes.
Well this is one of my longest blogs . Sorry. I honestly have to just keep tapping out a blog more often cause it helps me . For one it distracts me from the bs that is my life and loneliness. Technically I'm in a relationship but right now I cant hold him. Cant cry with him while cuddled up. And more than ever i just need to be effing held and told I'm not as effed up as i really think i am.
In other news
donald trump lost and is acting as we expect a beeitch like him would act.
I just met a big milestone for my body fat %. Yay.
I havent had a drink in quite some time.