I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no longer be able to be the good they see. That I may turn out the lights forever on on something I feel so good about. I will not let them down! But how can I be completely okay with being thawed out? I stay frozen until I figure this out.
Your mom and I would make an excellent couple. You think she would strap on and do me hard wh enever I want her to? Yay. Hey. For all of those people who are looking at my AOL journal, I know it seems as if I did not post Sunday, but I did. Well, I posted at my blogger journal because my AOL won't load. They are having some difficulties or something and I can't wait until they fix. I will be going to bed after posting on the blogger blog, and I will just have to copy to the AOL journal tomorrow. Hopefully they'll have things fixed. MISSING YOU: I've been having such a rough time recently, and I swear that not having Jhoeny to talk to has been a major part of the reason. My dominican lover ( Jhoeny that is. Not her mom who is my Dominican Dominatrix) has been off and we haven't been able to speak. :( I can't even write her a letter because she's no longer at her old address that I have and she hasn't written me yet with her new address. I was crying Frid...