Mountains

Well, i feel this great need to post a blog, but I haven't a clue what to post. How do I put into words what I feel about anything? I sit an look at the beautiful dusting of snow that falls on this cold Indianapolis afternoon. My thoughts are with so many people. To my ex who is getting ready to move He's recovering from years of abuse of controlled substances. We spent the night together two nights in a row. Just holding each other and working through those issues that I put off years to discuss. I got the closure that I needed. His life is a wreck, but he says to me that my love is what has inspired him to do better. How I did not expect to hear that. I think I've humbled myself so much that sometimes I loose track of the fact that I really do impact some people in a positive way. In the eleven years I've known my ex, that's the best and most shocking thing he has ever said to me. It was sincere, I know, because it wasn't an attempt to get in my pants or get anything out of it. We were just two men working through 11 years of up and downs. I don't think I know another person better than him and he said that vice versa. Since we were teens, it always seemed like him and I against the world. Now, he is leaving my life for good. I don't know how often I can get down to Mexico and I know it's going to be hard for him to come up here, but my heart goes with him. He's not the only one departing from my life. Someone I've gotten close to emotionally, and yes, sexually as well is leaving, though not as far away as Mexico. I do apologize if I am not able to fully disclose who it is due to the fact that he is a rather private person himself. But he has meant a lot to me as I'm going through this depressing time. It hurts evenmore because I knew he was never mine forever. He has a girlfriend who is a very ify person, but I knew to begin with, he would choose her and I am not one to stand in the way of ones happiness. I just wish I had a lot more integrity as to not start that voice in my head which went on thinking "Maybe, finally, this is it" I watch too many romantic comedies. I read to many foo foo books. I dream just a little too much. Right now, the snowfall is replaced with teardrop on my keyboard. So many people are leaving and I have no control over what happens right now. My friend Jahaunna is leaving town to pursue happiness. My dear friend Leah is not leaving town, but leaving our mutual place of employment. She's actually going to be doing what I went to college for. It's easy to see how one might be envious of these people for the grand adventures they are embarking, but I'm not. I feel such happiness for them, though I look at my life and wallow in self pity. I'm not going off to my romance. I'm not going off to my dream career, or even my 5th choice. I'm not doing anything I thought I would be doing except loving God. I mean not to minimize that. Me loving God was a long journey and I take it for granted sometimes. It's the proudest thing in my life right now. How does one shake off such blues? Hard to say. I surround myself with happy people who are enjoying their lives. i constantly remind them to keep and hold on tight to it. To hell with all the people who try to convince you that your happiness should take a back burner to what some others may think. Just be happy the best way possible. But how can I apply that to my own life? What am I doing that makes me happy? I can think of nothing other than going to church. I already do that often. The next step is to move into the Sanctuary, which I don't think Pastor Jeff is having that. I seek happiness, but come up with nothing. Romance, Career, Friendship nothing nothing nothing. Over the next few days I will be evaluation my life in 2009 and making conclusion as to what I have accomplished and if I should buy more paper for that to do list, or just scrap the whole thing. It's a task I must complete, though i am fearful of the outcome of my own self analysis. I carry on, though. I carry on with the hope that this is temporary. That something I've not yet seen will reveal itself. That I may be at least a little what I imagined I would be years ago.